Grief is instrumental to the metamorphous of person, as a whole. So many things change in your life when you lose some one you love. Although no loss is an easy one, as personally I have lost my father, stepmother and grandparents. Sadly as heart wrenching as their deaths were there is no comparison to how my life has changed with the loss of Morgan. There is no possible way to describe what this life altering event does to you, or prepare you for the process it takes to find a new normal, especially when the process is as individual as the experience it self. This is why i continue to share this undertaking, for understanding on every level. For myself to reflect on, for those who are in a similar predicament, as well as people who simply wish to understand more.
In my journey over the last 17 months or 5 days shy of 17 months I have found that the one place i feel somewhat normal is when i am with others like me. This could be in a virtual support group, or a friendship, or honestly a stranger with a similar story. It is so hard to feel like an oddity or only feel “Normal” whatever that is, when you are among other s that belong to this club which no body wants to be a member of. You only feel a like you are not abnormal because others for similar reasons now live with broken hope of what their dreams once were, because their world was as well obliterated. I suppose to feel comfort and normalcy when you are with those who are just as fragmented is conventional in many facets. Its just so hypocritical, you do not wish anyone else to ever live in the hell you are in, you do not want anyone to have felt this pain,but yet you gravitate to those that do because they get it.
I can say that I am learning to process the fact that nothing will every be the same, it will always hurt, it will never completely heal. I am finding that i have been able to laugh a little more than months ago, I cry a little less and slowly am learning to move back into trying to be functionally productive. This is not saying I am any better than I was during the early months, it is just saying that I am adjusting to function with the pain. I still feel like I am in quick sand and still seems like a lot of the time the fight to get out is not worth the emotional and physical exhaustion. On those days, I generally drop back five and punt, maybe just try to stay under the covers until i feel strong enough to fight a bit more, whatever it takes.
I do grasp a lot more now, the proverbial light bulb has gone off, i am always going to be broken! I will never be whole, kind of like a puzzle missing a piece or I suppose like a tea cup that the handle breaks off and is glued back together, its weaker and never the same, but can function. So at this point in this wicked game this is where i am and quite honestly it is what it is! I have learned that at any given day in the process of grief, the battles you fight change from moment to moment. In the beginning i guess you are going through the traditional stages if you will. As time goes on and you graduate into new challenges, you find that the things that hurt now are things you could not have fathomed when it first happened. When you bury your child the pain and shock are so intense that no one could have possibly prepared you for it! So as time goes you learn to progress through those stages, and you may find that in some ways you come to terms with the fact that your baby is gone and not coming back. Than you at some point start to climb out of the rabbit hole to see that the world and life as you knew it, now has a completely contrasting view with incompatible meaning. You now identify with different goals, hopes and dreams, because the ones you had before are now a mirage. The depth of these goals , hopes, and dreams, may be as little as getting out of bed and making your bed one day or as extreme changing a career. The metamorphous of grief reprograms you to keep the focus of the obtainable idea that you are only in need do the best that you can at a single moment, nothing more nothing less as well as embrace the idea of your new normal to be as being perfectly imperfect!
Miss Morgan's Mom 
When I first discovered your blog you were where I am now. I recall my heart “jumping” when I read your blog knowing that I too would experience this dreadful pain you were experiencing at the time. Today when the pain and grief overwhelmed me I thought of you and your journey when your Morgan died…I thought Vic’s passing would be easier to bear because she was so dreadfully ill. It wasn’t!!! Thank you so much for this post dear friend. It is the only place where I feel safe and accepted. I am going to reblog this – I hope you are okay with it. I am so happy that you are laughing more and crying less. Hugs
Terisa, please feel free to repost. I wish I could have told you when i read your Journey with Vic how badly it would hurt….But as I have found no body can explain or prepare us, it is so unique to each of us. You hang in there and keep blogging, i read your blogs and as many have said to be read back through them from time to time and see how you are gaining momentum. Do not let the set backs deter you, as they do continue, Just as you did with Vic while she was ill, take it a moment at a time, and do the best you can….Hugs ❤
Reblogged on http://tersiaburger.com/2013/04/11/perfectly-imperfect/ Thank you!!
As you walk through this journey with your broken heart, never forget that there are those of us who love you, who are rooting for your comfort and whatever recovery life chooses to offer. After all, you are and will always be, Perfectly Imperfect.
Yes my friend as are you….Perfectly Imperfect…and know that I too am here for you with love and support……always ❤
Yes, we as parents who have lost a child will always be broken. That doesn’t mean that we aren’t productive, that we don’t laugh, that we don’t find meaning in life again. It just means that the loss of our child changes us forever…and that we will always miss our child.
An amazing post.
Thank you