Morgan Ray is Forever Sweet 16 , and will be gone 16 months on the 16th of this month. I continue to struggle with the strength to learn how to live without her. Basically I am still a mess. although I do continue to try and stay positive and look at all the wonderful things in my life that I am thankful for. I really have a lot to be thankful for, and realize it. Sometimes its hard, you have to understand to see that horizon even when you know it is out there is not that simple. Because the dark cloud of grief is a constant deterrent that relentlessly bullies you until it gets the best of and kicks your ass until your spirit is broken and all you feel is empty and in pain. Than when the bully leaves you because it thinks it has won you get back up and try again to see that horizon.
The bully has left me in another funk, it seems like in the past the dark days may last a few days and than I snap out of it and press on, this time it seems to be lingering a bit longer…Its really hard to explain. I know people must think, she really needs to move on, she really needs to pull her self together and get back out there into a productive life. I really am trying, as I want to so badly, I really do! I feel like there is so much life out there for me to live, and I believe in my heart that is what Morgan would want for me. She was a fighter, and obstinate, and I used to be just like that, and hope to be again someday. Lately it seemed like i at least was getting a burst of energy and would get an idea in my head and think okay this is going to be the thing to push me back into the world and find my way to this mystical place of a new normal. It just hasn’t seemed to work out that way yet, a few days in the new venture and I am in burn out mode. That doesn’t mean I won’t keep trying, it just means that for a grieving parent getting back on the proverbial horse is not as easy as one may think even after 15 months.
I follow a website solely for grieving moms, I find that every-time I get on there, although the stories are heart wrenching I realize just how many other people are out there are like me. I guess some may think that it would make it worse, but it actually brings hope and comfort….I find that in this place, I am not different, I am not alone, I belong to a club that no one in their right mind would want to be a part of and yet it brings me strength and a feeling of belonging. So many people with so many stories, struggles and yet so much support. Mothers who may be in the raw portion of this process to ones who are still struggling years after. I find that with this forum, I am normal, my thoughts, feelings, actions as well as my depression are normal. The bully can’t hurt me there.
I get that by all means I am battling a state of severe depression, but have come to understand its not the kind that people get by normal standards, it is the kind of depression you are thrown into because you have no other means to survive. Its effects have diminished my capacity to have much desire to live a traditional life. It has as well limited how I have maintained many friendships and relationships, many that I have had for years. Its a vicious cycle, i tend to push people away, or keep myself at a distance from them, so they are not subjected to the bully. I certainly do not want to drag everyone into my hell. It is madness, i find that I am so lonely it hurts, but yet I want to be alone. I want to be in social situations but feel like a human oddity as a friend puts it an elephant in the room. Grief is a cruel debilitating ailment it really makes you want to just run away until you don’t hurt anymore. As hard as I have tried to completely withdraw, there are a few people who are uniquely strong willed or stubborn if you will that continue to come into the padded walls of my current existence. Lord knows that for the life of me I cannot fathom why they continue to ride this storm out with me, let alone be battered by my damaged character! I have to say, i am damn lucky as well as blessed that against my better judgement they didn’t run to a safety zone. I know in my heart that I have remained above complete lunacy because of them. It means a lot to me all the the people who have been there on my journey for a new normal who have given me support without judgement, whether it may be in my everyday life, my cyber life, or just in their thoughts…
Although I may be bruised and broken, my heart is in for repair. In my situation, as far as i can tell, I am perfectly normal and its okay to not be okay, as long as I keep trying! A wise woman says to me that “I am doing the very best i can for me at this moment.”