Grief Could Use a GPS

road

Work has been a welcome distraction, although I talk about you daily, it does help to keep my mind occupied. The down time is sometimes overwhelming as my thoughts are inundated with you!  I still feel so violated in so many ways!  I never got the answers I needed, I never got accountability for how you were taken from me. I live knowing I will never get to do the things that I have dreamt of your entire life, and honestly it just takes the breath from my lungs. It has almost been 21 months and although I am learning how to function, I still feel lost and am uncertain of my destination.  I suppose if I methodically continue to keep my spare time to a minimum I will continue to travel in search of true life, not just living.

I just still feel so empty and in pain, i miss you so much! Words cannot begin to explain the void in my life. Your face is the first thing I see when I wake up and the last thing i see before I sleep, which makes me smile for a moment and than fills my heart with more pain.  I miss you my baby girl, every-day and every moment! I would give my life to just have one more moment with you,   to see that beautiful smile and those amazing eyes, and hear that contagious laugh. I love you baby girl forever and a day and look forward to the day I see you again….until than i will try to continue to walk down the road to find the peace that may give me the strength to find some kind of joy again, which seems impossible without you!

mow

Memories………..

27133_10151569061629246_1867344700_nI was sitting going thru some pictures of Morgan and ran across some videos that some of her friends had posted on YouTube, one which I had never seen….thought I would share…. 😥

Finding Beauty in Pain

I went to California on the first of this month, spending time with family and relaxing to the sound of the ocean, it is wonderful how therapeutic the ocean is for me. It gives me a sense of momentary peace and tranquility. Upon my return I felt rejuvenated as if my life for a moment was normal, the old normal. The first day I got home, I immediately felt angry, withdrawn, as well as the cloud of hopelessness returned. It is like being in the middle of a movie that you are so enthralled with that you can hardly  contain your excitement and than the movie pauses!

A few weeks back, I had ran into someone that said to me so you are all better now, and instead of explaining it doesn’t work that way when you lose a child I just smiled and said doing fine. I am better in so many ways, I find that my moments of bursts of energy to start a functional life are more common. But I am not okay, I am very numb and emotionless which quite frankly is not living with a  good quality of life. I just know that it is easier to not analyze the stages and phases anymore, rather just go with them. I have needed and craved a good cry for weeks now, not random teary moments, but a good cry, and yet I cannot!

Losing a child is the hardest thing that one can go through in my opinion, it lasting effects and pain, doesn’t ever go away. I was sitting at the park the other day by the water, just embracing the calm sound of  water running, when a limo pulled up and kids going to prom emerged to take pictures by the river. At first glance a girl in a bright pink dress was my Morgan, which turned into tears when i realized it was just hopefulness in my heart and mind to see her again. Things like that instance continue to trigger pain, as the things that bring “Normal” people joy turn the knife a little deeper in my heart.

As I look back at the first year with out Morgan, i see that my grief revolved around the accident and her death as well as justice! Well the biggest thing that has changed since than is I cannot change that the accident could have been prevented because no body stopped them! I cannot change that she is gone, because she is!  I cannot find justice for my Beautiful angel, because the people involved are spineless people with no moral compass, or conscious!  So now half way into the second year my struggle consist of  accepting that i have to live without her forever, facing that all the dreams for her and our families future have  been shattered. It is a whole new battle and really is so hard, such a different way that the emotions are displayed from how they did the first year. I feel like the first year at least I could express my grief, through tears, or depression, or how ever my emotions manifested. Now it is like i am floating waiting for my life to continue, and it seems as if peoples view is that I should be miraculously healed. There is no magic faith healer to chase away the grueling pain, I guess i just need people to understand, I am functioning without some times with no purpose, but functioning. I am not okay, I am different and require patience and understanding!

I think if I can find one thing once in a while that lets me smile, than i realize there is hope for some day to be able to be okay again, yesterday was my smile for the week!  My dear friend and one of Morgans dear friend and I revitalized her resting place, it was wonderfully hard work. It felt good to sweat and put physical energy into making something that is visually torture, into something of beauty. It is so ironic that you can find beauty within the pain!  I felt accomplished when we left the cemetery and saw how loved she is and always will be!

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Perfectly Imperfect

IMG_0697Grief is instrumental to the  metamorphous of person, as a whole. So many things change in your life when you lose some one you love. Although  no loss is an easy one, as personally I have lost my father, stepmother and grandparents.  Sadly as heart wrenching as their deaths were there is no comparison to how my life has changed with the loss of Morgan. There is no possible way to describe what this life altering event does to you, or prepare you for the process it takes to find a new normal, especially when the process is as individual as the experience it self. This is why i continue to share this undertaking, for understanding on every level. For myself to reflect on, for those who are in a similar predicament, as well as people who simply wish to understand more.

In my journey over the last 17 months or 5 days shy of 17 months I have found that the one place i feel somewhat normal is when i am with others like me. This could be in a virtual support group, or a friendship, or honestly a stranger with a similar story. It is so hard to feel like an oddity or only feel “Normal” whatever that is, when you are among other s that belong to this club which no body wants to be a member of. You only feel a like you are not abnormal because others for similar reasons now live with broken hope of what their dreams once were, because their world was as well obliterated. I suppose to feel  comfort and normalcy when you are with those who are just as fragmented is conventional in many facets. Its just so hypocritical, you do not wish anyone else to ever live in the hell you are in, you do not want anyone to have felt this pain,but yet you gravitate to those that do because they get it.

I can say that I am learning to process the fact that nothing will every be the same, it will always hurt, it will never  completely heal. I am finding that i have been able to laugh a little more than months ago, I cry a little less and slowly am learning to move back into trying to be functionally productive. This is not saying I am any better than I was during the early months, it is just saying that I am adjusting  to function with the pain. I still feel like I am in quick sand and still seems like a lot of the time the fight to get out is not worth the emotional and physical exhaustion. On those days, I generally drop back five and punt, maybe  just try to stay under the covers until i feel strong enough to fight a bit more, whatever it takes.

I do grasp a lot more now, the proverbial light bulb has gone off, i am always going to be broken! I will never be whole, kind of  like a puzzle missing a piece or I suppose like a tea cup that the handle breaks off and is glued back together, its weaker and never the same, but can function. So at this point in this wicked game this is where i am and quite honestly it is what it is! I have learned that at any given day in the process of grief, the battles you fight change from moment to moment. In the beginning i guess you are going through the traditional stages if you will. As time goes on and you graduate into new challenges, you find that the things that hurt now are things you could not have fathomed when it first happened. When you bury your child the pain and shock are so intense that no one could have possibly prepared you for it! So as  time goes you learn to progress through those stages, and you may find that in some ways you come to terms with the fact that your baby is gone and not coming back. Than you at some point start to climb out of the rabbit hole to see that the world and life as you knew it, now has a completely contrasting view with  incompatible meaning. You now identify with different goals, hopes and dreams, because the ones you had before  are now a mirage. The depth of these goals , hopes, and dreams, may be  as little as getting out of bed and making your bed one day or as extreme  changing a career.  The metamorphous of grief  reprograms you to keep the focus of the obtainable idea that you are only in need do the best that you can at a single moment, nothing more nothing less as well as embrace the idea of your new normal to be as being perfectly imperfect!

Heart still in for repair

 

ugh

 

 

Morgan Ray is Forever Sweet 16 , and will be gone 16 months on the 16th of this month. I continue to struggle with the strength to learn how to live without her. Basically I am still a mess. although I do continue to try and stay positive and look at all the wonderful things in my life that I am thankful for. I really have a lot to be thankful for, and realize it.  Sometimes its hard, you have to understand to see that horizon even when you know it is out there is not that simple. Because the dark cloud of  grief  is a constant deterrent that relentlessly bullies you until it gets the best of and kicks your ass until your spirit is broken and all you feel is  empty and in pain. Than when the bully leaves you because it thinks it has won you get back up and try again to see that horizon.

The bully has left me  in another funk, it seems like in the past the dark days may last a few days and than I snap out of it and press on, this time it seems to be lingering a bit longer…Its really hard to explain. I know people must think, she really needs to move on, she really needs to pull her self together and get back out there into a productive life.  I really am trying, as I want to so badly, I really do!  I feel like  there is so much life out there for me to live, and I believe in my heart that is what Morgan would want for me. She was a fighter, and obstinate, and I used to be just like that, and hope to be again someday. Lately it seemed like i at least was getting a burst of energy and would  get an idea in my head and think okay this is going to be the thing to push me back into the world and find my way to this mystical place of a new normal. It just hasn’t seemed to work out that way yet, a few days in the new venture and I am in burn out mode. That doesn’t mean I won’t keep trying, it just means that for a grieving parent getting back on the proverbial horse is not as easy as one may think even after 15 months.

 

I follow a website solely for grieving moms, I find that every-time I get on there, although the stories are heart wrenching I realize just how many other people are out there are like me. I guess some may think that it would make it worse, but it actually brings hope and comfort….I find that in this place, I am not different, I am not alone, I belong to a club that no one in their right mind would want to be a part of and yet it brings me strength and a feeling of belonging. So many people with so many stories, struggles and yet so much support. Mothers who may be in the raw portion of this process to ones who are still struggling years after. I find that with this forum, I am normal, my thoughts, feelings, actions as well as my depression are normal. The bully can’t hurt me there.

I get that by all means I am battling a state of severe depression, but have come to understand its not the kind that people get by normal standards, it is the kind of depression you are thrown into because you have no other means to survive. Its effects have diminished  my capacity  to have much desire to live a traditional life.  It has as well limited how I have maintained many friendships and relationships, many  that I have had for years. Its a vicious cycle, i tend to push people away, or keep myself at a distance from them, so they are not subjected to the bully.  I certainly do not want to drag everyone into my hell. It is madness, i find that I am so lonely it hurts, but yet I want to be alone. I want to be in social situations but feel like a human oddity as a friend puts it an elephant in the room.  Grief is a cruel debilitating ailment it really makes you want to just run away until you don’t hurt anymore. As hard as I have tried to completely withdraw, there are a few people who are uniquely strong willed  or stubborn if you will that  continue to come into the padded walls of my current existence.  Lord knows that for the life of me I cannot fathom why they continue to ride this storm out with me, let alone  be battered by my damaged character!  I have to say, i am damn lucky as well as blessed that against my better judgement they didn’t run to a safety zone. I know in my heart that I have remained above complete lunacy because of them. It means a lot to me all the the people who have been there on my journey for a new normal who have given me support without judgement, whether it may be in my everyday life, my cyber life, or just in their thoughts…

 

broken-heart-quotes-22Although I may be  bruised and broken, my heart is in for repair. In my situation,  as far as i can tell, I am perfectly normal and its okay to not be okay, as long as I keep trying!  A wise woman says to me that “I am doing the very best i can for me at this moment.”

Perplexing Point to Ponder


fate

 Fate
1. The supposed force, principle, or power that predetermines events.
2. The inevitable events predestined by this force.
3. A final result or consequence; an outcome.
4. Unfavorable destiny; doom.

 

Destiny

1. The inevitable or necessary fate to which a particular person or thing is destined; one’s lot.
2. A predetermined course of events considered as something beyond human power or control: “Marriage and hanging go by destiny” (Robert Burton).
3. The power or agency thought to predetermine events: Destiny brought them together.

Who can tell us what our Fate is? 
Who can tell us what our Destiny is? 
Fate. Destiny. 
People say we cannot choose our Fate, but we can choose our Destiny. 
People say we are Fated or Destined to do/become something. 
Fate. Destiny. 
Are they different? 
Are they the same? 
People say we can choose Destiny and we are Fated to do it. 
People say that our Destiny is open, but our Fate is sealed. 
Are Fate and Destiny the same? 
If our Destiny has yet to be chosen but our Fate is sealed, then is not our Destiny already chosen, but unseen to us until the opportune moment? 
Fate. Destiny. 
When is the opportune moment? 
At what point in our life will our Fate and Destiny be revealed? 
Or will we realize what our Fate and Destiny are only when it is too late? 
Or will we pass our Fate and Destiny without knowing it? 
Fate. Destiny. 
If someone tells us what our Fate and Destiny are, will we like what we hear? 
Or will you strive against the path set before you?

Robert Grimes :

Although often used interchangeably, the words “Fate” and “Destiny” have distinct connotations.

  • Traditional usage defines fate as a power or agency that predetermines and orders the course of events. Fate defines events as ordered or “inevitable” and unavoidable.
  • Destiny is used with regard to the finality of events as they have worked themselves out; and to that same sense of “destination”, projected into the future to become the flow of events as they will work themselves out.

“fate” relates to events of the future and present of an individual and in cases in literature unalterable, whereas “destiny” relates to the probable future. Fate implies no choice, but with destiny the entity participates in achieving an outcome that is directly related to itself. Participation happens willfully.

In other words my daughters fate was decided by someone elses choice for their own inevitable destiny!

 So how does one now choose their own fate? Possibly to change their own Destiny!  

The Eyes Have It!

LIfe lessons are something i am continually learning about, i have gained the knowledge of the old adage not to judge a book by its cover. Since losing Morgan, I have become so much more patient, I now tend to look past flaws in life and people, that maybe i wouldn’t have before. Being a part of the club no body wants to be a member of has taken its toll, not just on me, but every one who is an associate with this horrible society. I notice things that I did not notice before or maybe i noticed but did not understand….In the past, if I walked into a store and the clerk was being miserable and unhelpful, before i may have gotten an attitude with them, but now i tend to look into their eyes and wonder. I wonder what pain they may be living with? What story do their eyes tell, or hide? I have come to an understanding that the broken hearted in this club have lost a spark that they will never have again. Not that they won’t ever find a place where they can be happy, but that they will never be whole.
The eyes are often thought of as ‘the windows of the soul’. The soul of parents in grief  have been forever changed, and it shows in their eyes. I see this when I look in the mirror, i see that a part of my soul has died along with My Morgan. I see this in others eyes as well, who are suffering from the same anguish.eyes

Our eyes tell the story of tortured souls of all kinds, people who are angry and are perceived as being down right mean may be just suffering from some kind of pain. We are always told to be kind to people because we don’t know where they have been and what they have been through, I personally have not always considered this and now i do. It actually is a good thing that I am coming to an understanding of how much human pain can cause a person to change, I wish it didn’t come to this point because of Morgans death, But this is a fact that cannot be ignored.

life is short and people have pasts as well as pain. Learning to move forward doesn’t always mean healing or beating the demons.  Life is short, every breath is a gift what we  should do with that gift is to give it back with patience and understanding as well as tolerance. Nickelbacks lyrics are powerful yet simple ”

“Each day’s a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride”

This is the way we should look at life, but in order to achieve this we must find the tolerance  within ourselves to see that there may be more of a reason some one is on their current path.  Next time someone has gotten you to the point that you are ready to blow, or you decide that a homeless person on the street should be deemed as a bum, whatever the situation, try to  look into their eyes, look past your assumptions. If you can do this you may be able to not just see but look  to their tortured soul. I know this may seem to be a feat that is not feasible, but the point is just step back from the situation and think, there may be more to their story.

Think before you speak

shut upOkay,  let me start out with I know generally people have good intentions, and good hearts. I just would like to say that after the death of my parents and daughter I have gained great wisdom in etiquette of things to not say to the grieving, no matter what peace it may bring you…. I actually had a lady tell me the other day that she totally understood my anguish…her son had just had his life ruined as well…And she explained that his third offense for drunk driving and jail time has devastated them….Seriously people! I looked at her and literally said ” Are you fucking kidding me”? His life is ruined?

PLease people try to remember this is about the person that is suffering! With that said here are my top ten things that in my opinion you do not say, Why?  Because it hurts!!!

1. At Least you had her for  16 Years

Really that was my plan 16 years of my child, no future dreams past that age.

2. What would Morgan want you to do?

Well I don’t know I can’t ask her she is dead

3. Everything is going to be OK!

Really, my future dreams have just been shattered!

4. God took her home!

Her home was with her family

5.  Its part of Gods plan!

Wow!!!!

6. At least you have other children!

This one deserves a lobotomy

7. There is a reason for everything!

Yes, just like there is a reason you opened your mouth and inserted your foot

8. At least she had a good life!

She didn’t even live, she didn’t get to graduate, she won’t get to go to college!  She will never get married, or have children!

9. I know how you feel? Because I lost someone

Do not compare your twice removed aunt jane who died peacefully in her sleep at the age of 91 to my beautiful daughter

10. She did what she came here to do and it was her time to go

Her time?  she was a baby still?

There are many more things that people say but I am sure from these ten you get the point.

I feel I am being Mocked!

I am still trying to find some sort of understanding for why Morgan was taken away from us, especially in the way she was. When trying to rationalize it, one could break it down in to sections to dissect to find relevance. Such as an Accident, well this was not an accident as it has been established that this was a continued pattern of recklessness as well as environmental upbringing. It was her time! No it wasn’t,  she was still a child that had her whole life ahead of her.  She was in the wrong place at the wrong time…I don’t think so, she was where she was suppose to be doing what she was suppose to do.  So why?  Why was my daughter taken from everyone who loved her in such a malicious way? This cannot possibly be a part of Gods plan, How could God plan to let this happen, I do not believe that is so!

Morgans dad and I have really had a hard time with the holidays, although some what expected, it was still so painful. I found myself in a deep three day depression that has again crippled me. Darrin and I were talking about why her, why now? I am not sure the need to have an answer, it won’t change anything, it won’t bring her back. I just think it would help with some closure and help with the grieving process. Darrin, stated he felt as if we were being mocked, as horrible as that sounds it feels that  it is this way. From the beginning Morgan was a gift, she was determined to be here and live her life. I was not suppose to have any more children after Mitchell! My pregnancy with Mitch was difficult as well as the delivery, I had a lot of minor problems that built up to be a big problem for another pregnancy. Our doctor strongly advised against anymore pregnancies. So we were doing all we could to prevent another pregnancy, and yet Morgan was conceived. I had a very hard time with the pregnancy, but did everything i could to make sure our new arrival came safely.

I was almost four months along when we were told that the baby I was carrying was very sick and would most likely not survive. I was told that one of the test came back positive for spina bifida and that if i carried to term which was doubtful, the baby would not live. I was told that i should abort the pregnancy, I was horrified! That night when Darrin came home, he found me in a heap on the bed in tears, and i told him what the doctor said. We quickly made the choice to keep our baby and hope for the best and we certainly did have the best. A perfectly healthy baby girl! So many things going against us, and yet here we were with this beautiful blue eyed baby girl!

So are we being mocked? Its a valid question! If not than what is my lesson to learn? What am I suppose to gain from this tragedy? I know that final judgement is not mine to give, nor condemn, but to seek answers is my given right.I will take every last breath of my life trying to get answers, accountability, and change!  Although the outcome for my daughter can not be altered, maybe someones life will.  Maybe it will force people to see that if they walk the earth with the idea of making a mockery of ones life as well as the laws, it  does not go unpunished.  Maybe this is that of a test, the test of perseverance.

Its just not Christmas without you!

Christmas is in three days, and I just wish I could find the joy in it again. I feel so badly that I have no desire to engage in the holiday let alone the family traditions. I am very thankful to have my loved ones and know that spending the holiday with them is important for them as well as me. I am just finding that so hard to do, I am so tired of feeling the way I do but i cannot muster the strength to stop it. I have two Beautiful sons and an amazing grandson as well as so many other family members that are important to me. I am terrified that my dark mood will hinder their holiday, which isn’t fair to them, I am just not sure how to get past that

Every single day hurts, as it still feels so raw and fresh! The holidays seem to hurt more if that is possible! The first Christmas without Morgan was 39 days after she was stolen from us, and the shock of her passing was some what blanketing our family as if to cushion the pain, almost like it wasn’t  real. I guess that is what shock is suppose to do, protect you. Now it has been a year and I feel like this is the first Christmas without her, the shock has warn off, leaving me vulnerable  giving me the feeling of such an intense pain that has left me feeling empty and emotionless! Christmas eve I will spend with my family, and I feel some what confident to survive that because the venue is completely different than it has ever been and right now, for me change is good.

Christmas day is another story, before I was divorced we spent Christmas morning as a family should Bud, me, and the kids. Even after the divorce, I would drive to Bud’s and still have our traditional morning of Christmas!  I always felt so blessed that Bud and I loved  and respected each other that our tradition with our kids was paramount. I don’t know how or if I can do it this year, I will but it just feels so unnatural without Morgan. I know it is more important than ever to be with Bud and the boys as I would not want to be without them, I love them all so much and we all need to be together. I just feel like its wrong because its not the unity of our family as a whole. For Bud being at home with the boys is comforting, he feels that Morgan lived there and thats where she would be. For me, I feel so incomplete, like one of my limbs is missing. It is a crippling situation, I don’t want to be anywhere else, but I don’t want to celebrate without her. Why do I have to spend Christmas with my daughter at a cemetery? It is so damn unfair and barbarically unorthodox , it simply breaks my heart!

If I could write a letter to Santa, my list would be to see her beautiful blue eyes that sparkled so, to hear her contagious laugh and watch her excitement, and to feel the warmth of her hugs. If I could have one wish for Christmas, it would be to hold her one more time, tell her how much I love her, and tell her how proud I am of her! I am so thankful, that the day she died she called me hours before and we both laughed and said how much we love each other. For that I am eternally thankful and blessed. I just need more time with my baby girlI_miss_you_so_much_by_unskill

I miss and love you so much!  Forever in my heart, Forever in my Soul, Forever Sweet 16! 1234 ❤