You can’t fix Stupid

 

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Onces again, ignorance at it finest!  We have had a reward sign up since our Morgan was tragically Murdered. The truth behind her death has been written in black and white and posted for all to see. The guilty parties know who they are as we do too.  They refused to learn from their ways and beg for forgiveness by owning their part in this preventable tragedy. No Morgan can not be brought back!  But Morgan’s death can at the very least have some closure for all involved. Simple things could be done by coming forward and admitting your wrong. Again it won’t bring her back but the truth may set those involved free if they even have a conscious, as well as maybe allow us to at the very least to know that the people that caused this feel remorseful and want to try and right their wrong in any small fraction of a way..

 

Instead they out of obvious guilt decided to  cut down our plea for help in bring justice to our daughters death. My only answer to this callous act is to vent and let them know we will not be silenced, We will not stop seeking justice.

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So to you involved, and or responsible for every aspect of our families life sentence, this is my response!

Good Job Douche’ Bag/bags!!!! You have not only proven you are an unsympathetic Pathological Narccissist , who has exhibited time and time again you and your inbred crew are all psychopaths… Now you have gone and impressed us with your ability to use a saw…..WOW!!! Pure talent considering you probably tried to do it with a beer in your hand…..Do you honestly think that your actions have made us forget? Do you honestly think your actions have made us forgive? Now come on do you honestly think that makes us not still seek out absolute accountability as well as justice? Crack another beer and ponder that!!!!!

The Walls are crumbling

gardenI haven’t blogged in a while, I thought maybe my walls had been built high enough to keep all my demons out. But sadly i find this is not true, I have come to understand that my life has become something similar to the movie ground hog day, it doesn’t go away it doesn’t change and no matter how hard I thrust myself into everyone else’s world at the end of the day i have to step back into mine.

Working has been a wonderful distraction but a facade, i have something pushing me to exist because i must live, but i find i am still not alive. I feel the burnout coming, i can feel the moistness of the fog that turns into  the darkness knowing its shadows are slowly  blanketing my being. I am not sure if it is because its the nearing time of year where my real life ended, or if i am just completely depleted, probably a little of both.  I am at the  point where I get up look in the mirror and realize that the only reason I go to work is because it is the last stitch holding together my sanity and purpose together.

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I find myself searching for the answer of is this the best I will every have? I barely am surviving emotionally, financially, physically and yet i force my self to continue the daily ritual of what i have to do to get to the next day! Why? What will the next day possibly have to offer that is different than today? Its like climbing a mountain and exerting every ounce of energy you can muster to get to the top to see that there is another mountain to climb. No reward, no feeling of accomplishment. Just the feeling that you have to start all over again. I am tired, so tired and feel as if I am running out of reasons to conform. My job gives me a sense of being needed which is paramount to my personal requirements, and yet there has to be more to a new life than that. I find I am back in the mode of I only have to work two more days than a day off, if i can get through that I am golden. Yet when that day off gets here, I have no strength to do anything, I am so exhausted that i wish to do nothing, I mean nothing! It is a chore to make something to eat or shower. I do not even wish to remain out of bed for longer than a refill on coffee or occasion cigarette!

I still do it, I get up every day with the attitude today is going to be the day!  Things are going to change for me and there will be a new light showing me the way but there is never any light. Will there ever be a day where there is? Will it ever feel like I am doing more than buying time to my end of life?

I can’t help but feel that this vicious circle will not be broken and yet I keep praying and trying  in hopes that i find a light before I my body completely shuts down because it has too much to bear and goes its own way quietly inside waiting for a better time, leaving me this numb and half alive forever.

Grief Could Use a GPS

road

Work has been a welcome distraction, although I talk about you daily, it does help to keep my mind occupied. The down time is sometimes overwhelming as my thoughts are inundated with you!  I still feel so violated in so many ways!  I never got the answers I needed, I never got accountability for how you were taken from me. I live knowing I will never get to do the things that I have dreamt of your entire life, and honestly it just takes the breath from my lungs. It has almost been 21 months and although I am learning how to function, I still feel lost and am uncertain of my destination.  I suppose if I methodically continue to keep my spare time to a minimum I will continue to travel in search of true life, not just living.

I just still feel so empty and in pain, i miss you so much! Words cannot begin to explain the void in my life. Your face is the first thing I see when I wake up and the last thing i see before I sleep, which makes me smile for a moment and than fills my heart with more pain.  I miss you my baby girl, every-day and every moment! I would give my life to just have one more moment with you,   to see that beautiful smile and those amazing eyes, and hear that contagious laugh. I love you baby girl forever and a day and look forward to the day I see you again….until than i will try to continue to walk down the road to find the peace that may give me the strength to find some kind of joy again, which seems impossible without you!

mow

I have seen better Days!!

fml-i-dont-know-like-sorry-text-Favim.com-363799Tomorrow I try once again to join the real world, as much as this is not my choice. I would much rather live like a gypsy and try to find the strength to find my way out of my darkness, and find my new normal. I walked away from my good paying job six months after Morgan was stolen from my life, I worked another job months after that, which i really enjoyed but found my emotional state was so unstable. I would be fine for a while and than something would set me off and I was unable to keep my composure. Its ironic to me that grief is not a medical condition as it is so debilitating, chronic, and unpredictable!  There is no cure, no quick fix, and it has vast effects on each individual! For me, it has been a life sentence!  It has changed me to the point, I have little interest in much! I have intermittent moments of steady weeks as well as momentary joy, and yet still have more of uncontrollable anguish! Little things that would not shake the average person, cripple me.

Financially I have no choice at this point to step back into the work force, I have an interview tomorrow and although I am so intrigued of the prospect of a new endeavor. I cannot find the excitement I need to prosper in it, its a survival thing! I have to do it if I want to remain with a roof over my head, but know it will not allow me to live, just exist. Maybe it is what it is as for the last 19 months, that is all I have done anyway! I ponder if I will ever truly find joy in anything again? I wish I had enough money to just float, and search for what my purpose is, but unfortunately I am not able to do that. Sometimes I get so pissed at people who are financially independent  and are so ungrateful!  Athletes, movie stars, performers for example make more money in one month than I could spend in a life time!…..I am not feeling sorry for myself, It just infuriates me that someone else chose this life for me….I heard yesterday from someone again, there must be a reason for Morgans death….I am so F#$cking tired of peoples ignorance!!!  I wanted to take their head in my hands and shake it till it fell off and than say “Well there is a reason for this?”

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Here is a reason my life is the way it is!!!  Two Kids  were given free will to be able to make stupid decisions, the parents involved were given free will to contribute and enable these two boys choices. The parents of some of the kids involved who were not in the accident were responsible for purchasing the alcohol for these delinquents to party. Honestly it would have been acceptable for this to happen, if  all the parents involved did not have their heads not up their asses and they made good choices to keep them home where they would not hurt anyone else or themselves.  So although the boys involved made dumb choices, their parents and the parents who bought the alcohol are the reason my daughter was murdered. These parents now can live with the fact that they murdered my daughter and caused the death of another…

So now, as they go about their merry way and continue the same patterns because they have obviously have not learned anything from their ignorance, I have to try to find a way to financially survive, while I am still in more pain than I ever imagined. I just for the life of me do not understand, why me and my family has to continually be punished for others choices. I hope for the strength to obtain this job tomorrow as well as keep on going with it…I am just struggling to find the power to be positive.

I tend to identify my feelings with music, because it reaches the deadness with in me, this song is how I feel and validates my writings today, some may say I need to move on, some may say I need to get over it but grief does not allow it to be so easy, I hope and pray that no one understands this despair, and for those that do. Keep on, Keeping on, you are maybe a select few but not alone, and my blog is for all of us.

days

It goes a little something like this

In my shoes my toes are busted,
My kitchen says my bread is molded,
I got a good job at the dollar store,
One foot in the hole, one foot gettin’ deeper,
with a broken mirror and a blown out speaker
And I ain’t got much else to lose.
I’m faded, flat busted;
I’ve been jaded I’ve been dusted.
I know that I’ve seen better days.
One foot in the hole, one foot gettin’ deeper,
Crank it to eleven, blow another speaker and
I ain’t got, I ain’t got much to loose
‘Cause

I’ve seen better days I’ve been star of many plays
I’ve seen better days and the bottom drops out.
I’ve seen better days I’ve been star of many plays
I’ve seen better days and the bottom drops out.

Now My cup’s filled up with five buck wine
I find myself here all the time
Another rip in the glass another chip in my tooth
Rained on I’ve been stained on
Found another goat I tried to put the blame on
And now I’m steppin on all the cracks
So I guess there ain’t no use
‘Cause

I’ve seen better days I’ve been star of many plays
I’ve seen better days and the bottom drops out.
I’ve seen better days I’ve been star of many plays
I’ve seen better days and the bottom drops out.

Woman: “Do you like my gucci bag?”

That’s beautiful, beautiful
Check it check it check it out,

I’m bent like glass second hand like glory,
Missed the bus but I’m in no hurry,
Molasses fast no business born,
One foot in the hole, one foot getting deeper,
Crank it to eleven, blow another speaker and
I aint got i aint got much to lose
‘Cause

I’ve seen better days I’ve been star of many plays
I’ve seen better days and the bottom drops out.
I’ve seen better days I’ve been star of many plays
I’ve seen better days,
I’ve seen better days,
I know that i’ve seen better days,
(the bottom drops out)
I’ve been the star, of so many plays,
(and the bottom drops out)
Walked on the edge with that hobo way.
(the bottom drops out)
‘Cause I know I know that I’ve seen better days
(and the bottom drops out)

Now I’m real thirsty…

(Sublime)

Frozen In Grief

timeOne of the difficult questions to answer is “How long will I be grieving?”

The process can go on for years, in some cases even a lifetime

The answer to this question is highly variable, depending on many factors including the type of loss, extraordinary circumstances surrounding the loss.  It also depends on an individuals coping skills and number of prior losses, and how those were handled.

Tragedies can be much more difficult to recover from quickly of at all depending on the nature of the tradgedy e.g unnecessary or accidental death, rape, loss through natural disasters, death during war-time, unnecessary acts of violence. These types of losses are the ones that lend themselves to counseling and seeking professional help to deal with the loss. Depending on the nature of the loss, it may be something that a person may never recover from, but one must learn how to incorporate the loss, learn what one can and move on.

Part of what needs to remember about grief and mourning, is that the same event experienced by many different people can affect individuals very differently. This is especially important within families, because certain members may be in different stages of the grieving process, go through the phases more quickly than others or stay stuck in certain phases for years  Anger, or Depression.

One needs to be mindful when dealing with others, that they will probably not be in the same stage as you are. Understanding the stages of grief and the grieving process can help deal with the hard feelings and the arguments that may arise from two individuals trying to communicate when in different stages

Grief

There is a grief that ages the face

and hardens the heart

yet softens the spirit

 

A grief that cast shadows on the eyes

yet broadens the mind

 

A grief that keeps the pain and has no words

But increases the understanding

 

There is a grief that breaks the heart and wounds the soul

That lasts and lasts and can shatter in a minute

But will inspire for a lifetime

I Grieve

it was only one hour ago 

it was all so different then 

there’s nothing yet has really sunk in 

looks like it always did 

this flesh and bone 

it’s just the way that you would tied in 

now there’s no-one home 

 

i grieve for you 

you leave me 

‘so hard to move on 

still loving what’s gone 

they say life carries on 

carries on and on and on and on 

 

the news that truly shocks is the empty empty page 

while the final rattle rocks its empty empty cage 

and i can’t handle this 

 

i grieve for you 

you leave me 

let it out and move on 

missing what’s gone 

they say life carries on 

they say life carries on and on and on 

 

life carries on 

in the people i meet 

in everyone that’s out on the street 

in all the dogs and cats 

in the flies and rats 

in the rot and the rust 

in the ashes and the dust 

life carries on and on and on and on 

life carries on and on and on 

 

it’s just the car that we ride in 

a home we reside in 

the face that we hide in 

the way we are tied in 

and life carries on and on and on and on 

life carries on and on and on 

 

did I dream this belief? 

or did i believe this dream? 

now i can find relief 

i grieve

 

-Peter Gabriel

 

Memories………..

27133_10151569061629246_1867344700_nI was sitting going thru some pictures of Morgan and ran across some videos that some of her friends had posted on YouTube, one which I had never seen….thought I would share…. 😥

Finding Beauty in Pain

I went to California on the first of this month, spending time with family and relaxing to the sound of the ocean, it is wonderful how therapeutic the ocean is for me. It gives me a sense of momentary peace and tranquility. Upon my return I felt rejuvenated as if my life for a moment was normal, the old normal. The first day I got home, I immediately felt angry, withdrawn, as well as the cloud of hopelessness returned. It is like being in the middle of a movie that you are so enthralled with that you can hardly  contain your excitement and than the movie pauses!

A few weeks back, I had ran into someone that said to me so you are all better now, and instead of explaining it doesn’t work that way when you lose a child I just smiled and said doing fine. I am better in so many ways, I find that my moments of bursts of energy to start a functional life are more common. But I am not okay, I am very numb and emotionless which quite frankly is not living with a  good quality of life. I just know that it is easier to not analyze the stages and phases anymore, rather just go with them. I have needed and craved a good cry for weeks now, not random teary moments, but a good cry, and yet I cannot!

Losing a child is the hardest thing that one can go through in my opinion, it lasting effects and pain, doesn’t ever go away. I was sitting at the park the other day by the water, just embracing the calm sound of  water running, when a limo pulled up and kids going to prom emerged to take pictures by the river. At first glance a girl in a bright pink dress was my Morgan, which turned into tears when i realized it was just hopefulness in my heart and mind to see her again. Things like that instance continue to trigger pain, as the things that bring “Normal” people joy turn the knife a little deeper in my heart.

As I look back at the first year with out Morgan, i see that my grief revolved around the accident and her death as well as justice! Well the biggest thing that has changed since than is I cannot change that the accident could have been prevented because no body stopped them! I cannot change that she is gone, because she is!  I cannot find justice for my Beautiful angel, because the people involved are spineless people with no moral compass, or conscious!  So now half way into the second year my struggle consist of  accepting that i have to live without her forever, facing that all the dreams for her and our families future have  been shattered. It is a whole new battle and really is so hard, such a different way that the emotions are displayed from how they did the first year. I feel like the first year at least I could express my grief, through tears, or depression, or how ever my emotions manifested. Now it is like i am floating waiting for my life to continue, and it seems as if peoples view is that I should be miraculously healed. There is no magic faith healer to chase away the grueling pain, I guess i just need people to understand, I am functioning without some times with no purpose, but functioning. I am not okay, I am different and require patience and understanding!

I think if I can find one thing once in a while that lets me smile, than i realize there is hope for some day to be able to be okay again, yesterday was my smile for the week!  My dear friend and one of Morgans dear friend and I revitalized her resting place, it was wonderfully hard work. It felt good to sweat and put physical energy into making something that is visually torture, into something of beauty. It is so ironic that you can find beauty within the pain!  I felt accomplished when we left the cemetery and saw how loved she is and always will be!

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Perfectly Imperfect

IMG_0697Grief is instrumental to the  metamorphous of person, as a whole. So many things change in your life when you lose some one you love. Although  no loss is an easy one, as personally I have lost my father, stepmother and grandparents.  Sadly as heart wrenching as their deaths were there is no comparison to how my life has changed with the loss of Morgan. There is no possible way to describe what this life altering event does to you, or prepare you for the process it takes to find a new normal, especially when the process is as individual as the experience it self. This is why i continue to share this undertaking, for understanding on every level. For myself to reflect on, for those who are in a similar predicament, as well as people who simply wish to understand more.

In my journey over the last 17 months or 5 days shy of 17 months I have found that the one place i feel somewhat normal is when i am with others like me. This could be in a virtual support group, or a friendship, or honestly a stranger with a similar story. It is so hard to feel like an oddity or only feel “Normal” whatever that is, when you are among other s that belong to this club which no body wants to be a member of. You only feel a like you are not abnormal because others for similar reasons now live with broken hope of what their dreams once were, because their world was as well obliterated. I suppose to feel  comfort and normalcy when you are with those who are just as fragmented is conventional in many facets. Its just so hypocritical, you do not wish anyone else to ever live in the hell you are in, you do not want anyone to have felt this pain,but yet you gravitate to those that do because they get it.

I can say that I am learning to process the fact that nothing will every be the same, it will always hurt, it will never  completely heal. I am finding that i have been able to laugh a little more than months ago, I cry a little less and slowly am learning to move back into trying to be functionally productive. This is not saying I am any better than I was during the early months, it is just saying that I am adjusting  to function with the pain. I still feel like I am in quick sand and still seems like a lot of the time the fight to get out is not worth the emotional and physical exhaustion. On those days, I generally drop back five and punt, maybe  just try to stay under the covers until i feel strong enough to fight a bit more, whatever it takes.

I do grasp a lot more now, the proverbial light bulb has gone off, i am always going to be broken! I will never be whole, kind of  like a puzzle missing a piece or I suppose like a tea cup that the handle breaks off and is glued back together, its weaker and never the same, but can function. So at this point in this wicked game this is where i am and quite honestly it is what it is! I have learned that at any given day in the process of grief, the battles you fight change from moment to moment. In the beginning i guess you are going through the traditional stages if you will. As time goes on and you graduate into new challenges, you find that the things that hurt now are things you could not have fathomed when it first happened. When you bury your child the pain and shock are so intense that no one could have possibly prepared you for it! So as  time goes you learn to progress through those stages, and you may find that in some ways you come to terms with the fact that your baby is gone and not coming back. Than you at some point start to climb out of the rabbit hole to see that the world and life as you knew it, now has a completely contrasting view with  incompatible meaning. You now identify with different goals, hopes and dreams, because the ones you had before  are now a mirage. The depth of these goals , hopes, and dreams, may be  as little as getting out of bed and making your bed one day or as extreme  changing a career.  The metamorphous of grief  reprograms you to keep the focus of the obtainable idea that you are only in need do the best that you can at a single moment, nothing more nothing less as well as embrace the idea of your new normal to be as being perfectly imperfect!

Happy Hippo

My Dearest Morgan Ray
For Months after you were taken away from us, your Dress from your Junior prom hung in the dinning room, a constant reminder of your beauty and your life. I think that we could not take it down, because with that went a part of you that we could not let go. A month or so ago, a friend and I lovingly packed up some of your belongings, it was so hard baby girl. I felt as if i was finalizing your life, which is not true. You are a part of me everyday and those that loved you.

After a lot of soul searching I decided that the dress too must come down, because i no longer saw good it in it, but anger and pain because you are gone. I am so Blessed Morgan to have people in my life that have helped me once again look at your dress with love and beauty that you represented….I hope you are proud of my choice for this, because now i can hold it in comfort and cherish its memory as much as i do you. I love you forever and a day baby girl, you will always be my heart, my soul, my daughter. ♥ 1234

This was not an easy decision for me, but i believe in my heart the right one. Looking at an empty dress made me feel as if I lost her all over again, it made me happy for the memories of that prom and that dress, but angry. I felt as empty as the dress, and wanted that feeling of joy back that i got while she wore it. Hippos were her favorite and to now see her dress in this way makes me feel close to her and her spirit. Its something I can hold forever, not just hang in a closet.

Thank You Sandy and Barb for helping me to keep my baby girl close to me ♥

hippo 2

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Comfortably Numb

numb

You would think that it would be no big surprise after almost 16 months that i could fall back into a familiar place of emotional numbness, but again no rules and lots of let downs. The Past few days I have  become some what numb again. The Bully is such an obstinate bastard, its wrath has really just emotionally and physically whipped my ass again. I guess the mind knows when its time to shut down to give your body a reprieve, I am grateful that my mind is not completely dysfunctional and knows when the soul needs a break.

And  yet, the mind let the bully come out in a different facet, in my sleep. I had the most bizarre dream last night, I was at a hospital visiting a family whose child was battling cancer, in the dream I knew this child would not survive, I remember trying to keep it together for this family whom i barely knew, because I didn’t want them to know that i could feel the child would not survive. I could not stop bawling in the dream, it was simply uncontrollable because i knew that with their child’s fate, would become a life sentence of hell for this family. I rarely remember my dreams, but this one seem to continue for what seemed like forever. I never saw Morgan in my dream but was fully aware that the tears were flowing because of her. I was crying so hard in my dream that it woke me up and I had been literally crying in my sleep.

This really freaked me out, I thought to myself this morning why can i cry in my sleep but am so empty while awake…I started to research dreams and meanings and interpretations of them and this is what I found.

Some of the explanations from the sources I read:

“If you are crying in a dream, then you are likely in some sort of mourning or expression of grief.   Tears of sadness connect to loss.”  

“The more acutely you can feel the physicality of crying upon waking, the closer to consciousness the wound is.  The level of disconsolation you feel may give you an idea of the intensity of the hurt you are cleansing.  Remember that in your dreams, just as in life, crying is a healthy and powerful way of processing grief and facilitating transition and transformation.”

“To dream that you are crying indicates a release of depressing feelings that may be closely linked to actual happenings in your waking life rather than scenes from the dream itself. Your dream may be a means to restore some emotional stability whilst providing an appropriate outlet for your fears and frustrations. As people go through their everyday lives, they tend to push back, ignore, disallow, or repress their true emotions. It is only through their dreams that they are able to unmask their persona and truly express their feelings.”

“Crying in a dream can represent repressed emotions that are about to boil over. When this is the case one really needs to deal with these emotional traumas and difficulties in their waking life immediately otherwise an outpour is going to happen and it may not be at the best of times. 

In our waking state we can hold back emotions and fears but while sleeping our guard is down and we are open to being forced to face these issues. However once you begin to dream of crying things are usually too far out of hand to hold back in your waking life much longer. “

These excerpts kind of make me nervous and confused, again because i am continually on an emotionally charged roller coaster. I mean in my dream last night, I was  emotionally in so much pain it  manifested in a different outlet, but yet in my conscious life, I am repressing my emotions. I really try not to put any stock in the moment as it changes with the wind. I guess taking a cue from my apparent need to hold back and become comfortably numb is where i need to be at this moment. Maybe it is some sort of blessing that my subconscious is choosing to give my cluttered soul a needed break.

The lesson I am learning or should i say should be submitting to as well as  conforming to has been redundantly referred to is that again  this journey has no time frame, no rules, and no logic for one to eliminate the bully. This is a fact, no matter how many times i say it, write it or just live it. It is what it is! So, I proceed with the concept  to go with the flow of the current moment with acceptance and understanding as well as patience. A maze of an enigma is the  path a grieving parent  must conquer in ordered to get a head of the bully or at the very least learn to coexist.