The Walk

I have this friend who to me has always been the epitome of an itinerant. I have had the pleasure of knowing him for 25 years or more and never understood his way of life, sometimes even criticizing his choices because it was not what i inherently believed society has deemed to be that of the human norm.  In my eyes I had the perfect life, beautiful children, the monitory esthetics, and a husband who was the definition of a good man, and father. Life is complete, right? How could everyone not want that and strive for that?  I always felt that my friend must be missing out on so much, such as love, stability, security, instead it seemed as if he focused on the proverbial pipe dream. How can one believe that they will ever find solace in a life that is not grounded with the tradition of the set of sacraments we are engrained with for what “Life” should be? Maybe the answer is that there is no consolation in one place, especially for those whose soul are tortured. Whether it be grief, or feelings of inadequacy or purely that the expectations of who you are suppose to be has left you feeling as if your soul has been sucked out of you.  Maybe for some the pipe dream is just that a fallacy, for my friend this seems not to be the case.

Maybe my friend chose for his life style to be more of a journey than most will ever fathom, because he knew some where deep inside that for him to seek fulfillment was to break the tradition of what was expected. We as humans seem to instinctively bind ourselves with chains, but I believe we all  have a visceral part of our psyche that craves to see past what has for us become an abstraction of what should be our reality.  So I ponder and succumb to the ugly truth that my being is no longer what once was a life full of certainty and promise, it has pragmatically become something that is neither derivative nor dependent but more of an existence where I lack active strength of body and mind. I feel as if I am standing outside witnessing the suffering of a chronic illness that will enviably consume and  succeed with the demise of my soul.  I mean shit, one can only snuggle with your demons for so long…..Finding a new normal has been almost as exhausting as how i feel i came to be in my predicament, and I am so tired of trying to fit in to what the standards tell me i should do….So what is to be learned from this? I wish I had the answers, I wish i could whip up some witty smart ass thing to say, because we all weather our own storms and we would like to believe that the storm will run out of rain, but as of now I cannot say this….So what is left to do with a life that is not mine to take, continue the journey which may just start with a walk. Thanks for the book Peppi ❤

 walk

There is no limit to ones time for Grief

broken heart

When someone is grieving i believe in my heart that many if not all outsiders have the best intentions to help I truly do, but understandably  they have no real concept  on how long and how often the mourning need support or just understanding. People that lose loved ones, I have come to find that there is no limit to the time it takes for each individual to find their new normal. I think that sometimes when people view the lives of the sorrowful, they think that the person or people grieving should have come to terms with their loss after a certain amount of time. I have found  this not to be true, I have sadly gained the knowledge that every moment to everyday is different. It is so hard to help people understand that we need to grieve as long as it may take. We all seem to have our own way to do this, whether it is to submerse our time into our work so that our mind has little time to feel the pain, or that we become some what of a recluse trying to understand our torture. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, there are no rules.  I personally try to battle the pain by writing my feelings at that moment. I think some may not understand and my God am I thankful for that because I would not wish this on anyone.

It is so important to me to put out there that when you see someone struggling and they may seem as if their path is destructive, it might not always be as it seems, sometimes we must  look outside the box! This is  because anyone who is grieving that keeps having emotions whether negative or positive has not given up the fight. I cannot identify my grief with anyones else, I have learned to accept the death of my father and step mother and although it still hurts, I have learned to move forward. I have found that burying a child is a completely different kind of grief for me anyway. I am moving forward, I am fighting to become a new normal.   I have found that  not just me but all other parents who are trying to win the fight are on this similar  path and they may feel like there is no end, keep fighting.

I want to post this link for those that may be fighting this fight to maybe offer support that you are not alone. I also want to post this for people who may just want to understand some of the process grieving parents may be going through. I am also posting some writings from this site that have heart felt meaning to me.

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Grieving-Mothers/162680380444494

no limitDear Clueless

I would like to share with you my pain but that isn’t possible unless you have lost a child yourself and that I wouldn’t want you to have to experience. So with that being said, I would like to say this. I will try to my best to understand you if you try to understand me. I lost my child. My life will never be the same. I will never be the same again. I will be different from now on. I no longer have the same feelings about anything. Everything in my life has changed from the moment my child left to go to heaven. I will, on some days be very sad and nothing you say will changes that so don’t feel like it is your job to make me feel better on those days, just allow me to be where I am.
When you lose a child you not only lose your reason for living, you lose the motivation to go on. You also lose your sense of self. It takes a long time to come to some kind of understanding for why this has happened, if ever. Of course we who have lost children know we have to go on but we don’t want to hear someone else tell us too. Especially from someone who has not lost a child. It makes me and anyone who has lost a child want to say who are you to tell me that? Did you bury your child? I don’t want this to sound like I don’t appreciate everything you say because I know you mean well, but I just want you to appreciate where I am coming from too. I want you to understand that some of the things you say hurt me and others like me without you really knowing it. I know it must be pretty hard to talk to people like myself, not knowing what to say. That is why I am writing this letter.
If you don’t know what to say, say nothing or just say I’m sorry. That always works for me. If you want to talk and say my child’s name feel free I would love to hear her name anytime. You not saying her name didn’t make me forget it, or what happened to her. So by all means say her name. When special dates come or holidays come please forgive me if I’m not myself. I just can’t keep it up on those days. I may wish to be by myself so I can think about my child without putting on a front. Most of all I want you to know I’m having a hard time with the death of my child and I am trying my very best to get back into life again. Some days it may look like I have accomplished that, and other days like I am at square one.
This will happen the rest of my life periodically. There are just no words to explain the living hell this feels like. There are no words that could ever do it justice. So please bear with me and give me time and don’t put your own timetable on my grief and let me be the person I am now and not have to live up to the person you think I should be. Allow me my space and time and accept me for me. I will try my best to understand you.
Love, Your Friend in Grief

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