“This is the cost of sharing your life with someone worth missing”

The other day, I spent the day in a familiar place with a friend, a place that holds so many beautiful, but now painful memories. Odd how something that was a place of immense joy for me, could now haunt my soul. It was very difficult for me to venture back and truth be told, i nearly did not go. Because I knew of the immense fear that my nemesis my anxiety, would work hard at sabotaging my day.

I did go and am glad, even though several times I had to fight back the notion to want to leave. I did my best to instead, try to embrace the beauty that still existed here. I focused only on the sound of the waves crashing on the beach, and to try to be in just that moment, even when i felt consumed by pain and grief.  I laughed and i enjoyed myself, but the day also had tears and sorrow. A constant reminder that my life will always hurt and feel as if i am but a fraction the person i once was. I am constantly struggling, so very hard to hold on to what of me is left.

While up in Morgan and my old stomping grounds, I ran into someone who knew the old me, someone who knew Morgan. For anyone living in the fog of grief, you know you have perpetual mush brain, you tend to block out a lot or  forget people, or events, because it is easier than the pain. I knew i recognized this person but yet could not place why? She embraced me with a warm smile and a hug, to which I reciprocated both actions. It came back to me who she was and as I smiled and made small talk.  I was told how much better I am doing, and how i am moving on, because my smile was back……..UGH!!!!  And out of nowhere, I felt as if I had been swallowed up by a heavy haze and could  feel the rush of overwhelming anxiety starting.

She did nothing wrong, and was sincere, but yet my mind, heart, and soul immediately was thrown in to a state of fight or flight. You see, when you are lost in a constant expedition to find some happiness, monsters accompany that journey… For within that momentary jubilance, you always know that lurking  and waiting for the opportunity to steal your thunder is your grief  and it will do everything it can to overshadow it with guilt and anguish. You fight it and pray and long to hold on to that  brief feeling of normal, you ache for it to  last, but it never does.

Grief is evil, it takes everything you once knew and takes control of your mind set like a narcissistic person. It makes you second guess every action, and critiques your movements like it owns you, and for the most part it does……I guess where i am going with this is, yes I smiled that day, I laughed, i enjoyed my self, at the end of the day i was glad i went. With that said, i also cried, and felt pain and had to fight all day to stay above the grief and it is exhausting to the point of wanting to sleep the entire next day….. Grief does not end, i am not better just because i can smile. But I am oh so thankfully to have some of those few moments that are exultant… Please understand we bereaved parents have to fight with every ounce of our being, every moment of everyday to find something to smile about and to do so without guilt and pain. What comes easy for most is the battle of a life time for us, this is the price one pays to have loved someone who is worth missing and for that gift, i will humbly pay the price.  

John Pavlovitz, summed up very well for me when the day i will finally stop grieving will be.

The Day I’ll Finally Stop Grieving

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“How long has it been? When is he going to get over that grief and move on already?”

I get it.

I know you might be thinking that about me or about someone else these days.

I know you may look at someone you know in mourning and wonder when they’ll snap out of it.

I understand because I use to think that way too.

Okay, maybe at the time I was self-aware enough or guilty enough not to think it quite that explicitly, even in my own head. It might have come in the form of a growing impatience toward someone in mourning or a gradual dismissing of their sadness over time or maybe in my intentionally avoiding them as the days passed. It was subtle to be sure, but I can distinctly remember reaching the place where my compassion for grieving friends had reached its capacity—and it was long before they stopped hurting.

Back then like most people, my mind was operating under the faulty assumption that grief had some predictable expiration date; a reasonable period of time after which recovery and normalcy would come and the person would return to life as it was before, albeit with some minor adjustments.

I thought all these things, until I grieved.

I never think these things anymore.

Two years ago I remember sitting with a dear friend at a coffee shop table in the aftermath of my father’s sudden passing. In response to my quivering voice and my tear-weary eyes and my obvious shell shock, she assured me that this debilitating sadness; this ironic combination of searing pain and complete numbness was going to give me a layer of compassion for hurting people that I’d never had before. It was an understanding, she said, that I simply couldn’t have had without walking through the Grief Valley. She was right, though I would have gladly acquired this empathy in a million other ways.

Since that day I’ve realized that Grief doesn’t just visit you for a horrible, yet temporary holiday. It moves in, puts down roots—and it never leaves. Yes as time passes, eventually the tidal waves subside for longer periods, but they inevitably come crashing in again without notice, when you are least prepared. With no warning they devastate the landscape of your heart all over again, leaving you bruised and breathless and needing to rebuild once more.

Grief brings humility as a housewarming gift and doesn’t care whether you want it or not.

You are forced to face your inability to do anything but feel it all and fall apart. It’s incredibly difficult in those quiet moments, when you realize so long after the loss that you’re still not the same person you used to be; that this chronic soul injury just won’t heal up. This is tough medicine to take, but more difficult still, is coming to feel quite sure that you’ll never be that person again. It’s humbling to know you’ve been internally altered: Death has interrupted your plans, served your relationships, and rewritten the script for you.

And strangely (or perhaps quite understandably) those acute attacks of despair are the very moments when I feel closest to my father, as if the pain somehow allows me to remove the space and time which separates us and I can press my head against his chest and hear his heartbeat once more. These tragic times are somehow oddly comforting even as they kick you in the gut.

And it is this odd healing sadness which I’ll carry for the remainder of my days; that nexus between total devastation and gradual restoration.It is the way your love outlives your loved one.

I’ve walked enough of this road to realize that it is my road now. This is not just a momentary detour, it’s the permanent state of affairs. I will have many good days and many moments of gratitude and times of welcome respite, but I’m never fully getting over this loss.

This is the cost of sharing your life with someone worth missing.

Two years into my walk in the Valley I’ve resigned myself to the truth that this a lifetime sentence. At the end of my time here on the planet, I will either be reunited with my father in some glorious mystery, or simply reach my last day of mourning his loss.

Either way I’m beginning to rest in the simple truth:

The day I’ll stop grieving—is the day I stop breathing.

 

Keeping Afloat

 

Wow, I cannot believe I stopped blogging, or even understand why i did?…..Looking back and reading some of my raw, honest, and sometimes verbally violent post, I realize they were so therapeutic and for the most part,  productive for my needs at the time. Importantly it also gave me an outlet with little judgement. when writing, i don’t owe anyone anything. I hope my writings will have some positive outreach for others than just me, maybe to touch someone, or educate them, or to simply validate the feelings of those, that may be fighting the same evil game.  Although at the end of the day,  i only owe myself the luxury of purporting my life, all be it a life that seems to be a fallacy.

I am not sure who this will reach as it has been almost three years since i have done this, but it is definitely  time to reflect. It has been five years 8 months since life as i know it was changed and it has been 2 years 8 months since i have wrote about it…I cannot even begin to compute that time has passed by so fast and yet most days i still feel like it is November 16, 2011 or the end of my life as i once knew it.  I still find myself so lost, lonely, and isolated, and yet it seems to be by choice, because i feel as if my new normal does not fit into mainstream. I have come to understand that I literally have shut down and only challenge myself for short periods of time and than seem to bottom out…. I have bounced from several jobs as well as houses since my last entry, i suppose in search of some sort of purpose or hopes of a miracle cure. Although, i suspect the odds of a miracle cure are probably about the same odds as your child being killed at 16, ironic, huh?

So now, i am not considered newly bereaved by societies standards, whatever still feels new to me. Time seems to have stopped for me and resulted in a constant quest to survive to find some sort of magical thing to make me feel like me again. while trying to accomplish this, i seem to hurt more people because of my pain. I have lost the ability to open my heart to many and keep most at arms length because it is easier than dealing with my not so always buoyant moods. I find people want to fix me when i can’t fix myself, they want to genuinely bring back the old me, when in truth that person died with Morgan.

Although, i can say, i have experienced some joy i mean actual joy without guilt, that in itself is huge.  Even with the draw bridge up and the moat dug deeply in my protective haven, i have found solace in new friends who have become like family, somehow who have found a way over the walls and made me feel safe and loved and genuinely embrace the new fucked up version of me, and for that i am thankful. I have learned to do what i want when i want, (well when i can) to find some assuagement, like backpacking across Spain. I have learned I am only capable of living a day at a time and not allowing expectations for that day, just to be in the moment, good or bad. I have learned that friends and family that are in it for the long haul with me are gold and a blessing.

But my reality is, I just miss Morgan so much, i truly think more in so many different ways. Hard to explain but the initial pain of the loss and the reality of the loss are two different animals. I am still bitter and angry that not only did my baby girl die, which stole her future, it also stole so much of mine. All the things a mother wishes for not only for her child/children but to share with, is gone.  Her friends have all graduated high school, she never got to. A lot of them went to college, again she did not.  Her friends are now graduating college, getting married, starting their lives. Morgan remains forever Sweet 16, and I  remain stalled in time, trying to figure out how to live a life without my best friend, my daughter and all our future dreams. I still can’t handle going to baby showers, or wedding, hell even graduation parties, because it hurts too damn much. I am happy for those celebrating but so pissed that i will never get those pleasures…

So, although 5 years 8 months has gone by, i still find that everyday is a  new challenge which seem to be ever changing. Time does not change or lessen the pain, as some would like to tell you, on the contrary it only changes the struggle, giving a different kind of pain. Losing a child is by far the most cruel thing a parent will go through and I now see will be a lifetime pain that has left so much void in my heart and life.

I hope to get back to blogging more often with hopes of continuing in trying to be an anchor that refuses to sink, although it seems like i spend most my time treading water.  To my club members of the club nobody wants to belong to, I will not lie, this new normal life we are forced to live, is the hardest road any parent can ever travel. Keep treading

Unf*ck Your Life: A Guide for the F*cked

Okay before anybody judges a book by its cover in this case the title…….DO NOT!!!!

My journey thru this evil grief process has been one of many trials and errors, what I mean by this is that yet again, i must redundantly regurgitate the most paramount lesson one must learn in this process, there are no rules. Having no rules means that all the advice in the world cannot prepare one for how crippled and discombobulated their life will become with grief.  Looking back at some of my post, i see such emotions as hatred, love, anger, disbelief, loss of hope, honestly too many to list…Its like I am Cybil.

After 2 years and 6 months I am still struggling to live, you know, really live. I still feel as if I am slithering in quicksand, with no end in sight.   I know my life will and cannot ever be the old normal again, how could it be? My daughter’s life was brutally taken from me. I am however, still pressing forward with the hope of  to continue fighting tooth and nail in search of my new normal. I miss Morgan, more than I could have ever fathomed….after all this time, it still seems like yesterday and in no way has  gotten better nor easier, just different.  The bottom line is that it has been 2 years and 6 months and I have not given up, so there you have it, I have not given up.

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I strive to find ways to keep what is left of my sanity and find that like a new mother, one searches for information on how to start your life with a new child and be the best as your capabilities  in order to truly live and enjoy the best life has to offer. You take in and absorb all the advice and information like a sponge in hopes of giving not only yourself but your child the ability to embrace what it is to truly live and flourish.  Now as a grieving mother, i find this to be true again, and I search for a way to have the best quality of life someone in my predicament can have with hope of someday having a life  that  will be worth living again.

I want to share something with everyone that I hope in some facet of your life that may help you find a bit of personal solace. My brother sent me a link to a book called Unfuck Your Life: A Guide for the Fucked,  I was fascinated as well as intrigued by the title and found myself reading the writings of a man i now find brilliant and inspiring. I have found that his  in your face truth is a gospel of how to make changes to change ones life. Will it be the end to all bad in your life? Will it miraculously cure the ill? Probably not, but what my hopes of sharing it are that it will be something that is an inspiring tool for perseverance of a life worth living. I know I have nothing to lose  at this point and still grasp on to hope, and this blog gives me hope. My aspirations are that you find inspiration as well as hope in any or all of his writings…..I certainly have, and in a world where i rarely feel inspired, it feels damn good to feel stimulated. I hope you are stimulated as well: https://www.facebook.com/unfckyourlife

 

The Walls are crumbling

gardenI haven’t blogged in a while, I thought maybe my walls had been built high enough to keep all my demons out. But sadly i find this is not true, I have come to understand that my life has become something similar to the movie ground hog day, it doesn’t go away it doesn’t change and no matter how hard I thrust myself into everyone else’s world at the end of the day i have to step back into mine.

Working has been a wonderful distraction but a facade, i have something pushing me to exist because i must live, but i find i am still not alive. I feel the burnout coming, i can feel the moistness of the fog that turns into  the darkness knowing its shadows are slowly  blanketing my being. I am not sure if it is because its the nearing time of year where my real life ended, or if i am just completely depleted, probably a little of both.  I am at the  point where I get up look in the mirror and realize that the only reason I go to work is because it is the last stitch holding together my sanity and purpose together.

ya

I find myself searching for the answer of is this the best I will every have? I barely am surviving emotionally, financially, physically and yet i force my self to continue the daily ritual of what i have to do to get to the next day! Why? What will the next day possibly have to offer that is different than today? Its like climbing a mountain and exerting every ounce of energy you can muster to get to the top to see that there is another mountain to climb. No reward, no feeling of accomplishment. Just the feeling that you have to start all over again. I am tired, so tired and feel as if I am running out of reasons to conform. My job gives me a sense of being needed which is paramount to my personal requirements, and yet there has to be more to a new life than that. I find I am back in the mode of I only have to work two more days than a day off, if i can get through that I am golden. Yet when that day off gets here, I have no strength to do anything, I am so exhausted that i wish to do nothing, I mean nothing! It is a chore to make something to eat or shower. I do not even wish to remain out of bed for longer than a refill on coffee or occasion cigarette!

I still do it, I get up every day with the attitude today is going to be the day!  Things are going to change for me and there will be a new light showing me the way but there is never any light. Will there ever be a day where there is? Will it ever feel like I am doing more than buying time to my end of life?

I can’t help but feel that this vicious circle will not be broken and yet I keep praying and trying  in hopes that i find a light before I my body completely shuts down because it has too much to bear and goes its own way quietly inside waiting for a better time, leaving me this numb and half alive forever.

Grief Could Use a GPS

road

Work has been a welcome distraction, although I talk about you daily, it does help to keep my mind occupied. The down time is sometimes overwhelming as my thoughts are inundated with you!  I still feel so violated in so many ways!  I never got the answers I needed, I never got accountability for how you were taken from me. I live knowing I will never get to do the things that I have dreamt of your entire life, and honestly it just takes the breath from my lungs. It has almost been 21 months and although I am learning how to function, I still feel lost and am uncertain of my destination.  I suppose if I methodically continue to keep my spare time to a minimum I will continue to travel in search of true life, not just living.

I just still feel so empty and in pain, i miss you so much! Words cannot begin to explain the void in my life. Your face is the first thing I see when I wake up and the last thing i see before I sleep, which makes me smile for a moment and than fills my heart with more pain.  I miss you my baby girl, every-day and every moment! I would give my life to just have one more moment with you,   to see that beautiful smile and those amazing eyes, and hear that contagious laugh. I love you baby girl forever and a day and look forward to the day I see you again….until than i will try to continue to walk down the road to find the peace that may give me the strength to find some kind of joy again, which seems impossible without you!

mow

I have seen better Days!!

fml-i-dont-know-like-sorry-text-Favim.com-363799Tomorrow I try once again to join the real world, as much as this is not my choice. I would much rather live like a gypsy and try to find the strength to find my way out of my darkness, and find my new normal. I walked away from my good paying job six months after Morgan was stolen from my life, I worked another job months after that, which i really enjoyed but found my emotional state was so unstable. I would be fine for a while and than something would set me off and I was unable to keep my composure. Its ironic to me that grief is not a medical condition as it is so debilitating, chronic, and unpredictable!  There is no cure, no quick fix, and it has vast effects on each individual! For me, it has been a life sentence!  It has changed me to the point, I have little interest in much! I have intermittent moments of steady weeks as well as momentary joy, and yet still have more of uncontrollable anguish! Little things that would not shake the average person, cripple me.

Financially I have no choice at this point to step back into the work force, I have an interview tomorrow and although I am so intrigued of the prospect of a new endeavor. I cannot find the excitement I need to prosper in it, its a survival thing! I have to do it if I want to remain with a roof over my head, but know it will not allow me to live, just exist. Maybe it is what it is as for the last 19 months, that is all I have done anyway! I ponder if I will ever truly find joy in anything again? I wish I had enough money to just float, and search for what my purpose is, but unfortunately I am not able to do that. Sometimes I get so pissed at people who are financially independent  and are so ungrateful!  Athletes, movie stars, performers for example make more money in one month than I could spend in a life time!…..I am not feeling sorry for myself, It just infuriates me that someone else chose this life for me….I heard yesterday from someone again, there must be a reason for Morgans death….I am so F#$cking tired of peoples ignorance!!!  I wanted to take their head in my hands and shake it till it fell off and than say “Well there is a reason for this?”

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Here is a reason my life is the way it is!!!  Two Kids  were given free will to be able to make stupid decisions, the parents involved were given free will to contribute and enable these two boys choices. The parents of some of the kids involved who were not in the accident were responsible for purchasing the alcohol for these delinquents to party. Honestly it would have been acceptable for this to happen, if  all the parents involved did not have their heads not up their asses and they made good choices to keep them home where they would not hurt anyone else or themselves.  So although the boys involved made dumb choices, their parents and the parents who bought the alcohol are the reason my daughter was murdered. These parents now can live with the fact that they murdered my daughter and caused the death of another…

So now, as they go about their merry way and continue the same patterns because they have obviously have not learned anything from their ignorance, I have to try to find a way to financially survive, while I am still in more pain than I ever imagined. I just for the life of me do not understand, why me and my family has to continually be punished for others choices. I hope for the strength to obtain this job tomorrow as well as keep on going with it…I am just struggling to find the power to be positive.

I tend to identify my feelings with music, because it reaches the deadness with in me, this song is how I feel and validates my writings today, some may say I need to move on, some may say I need to get over it but grief does not allow it to be so easy, I hope and pray that no one understands this despair, and for those that do. Keep on, Keeping on, you are maybe a select few but not alone, and my blog is for all of us.

days

It goes a little something like this

In my shoes my toes are busted,
My kitchen says my bread is molded,
I got a good job at the dollar store,
One foot in the hole, one foot gettin’ deeper,
with a broken mirror and a blown out speaker
And I ain’t got much else to lose.
I’m faded, flat busted;
I’ve been jaded I’ve been dusted.
I know that I’ve seen better days.
One foot in the hole, one foot gettin’ deeper,
Crank it to eleven, blow another speaker and
I ain’t got, I ain’t got much to loose
‘Cause

I’ve seen better days I’ve been star of many plays
I’ve seen better days and the bottom drops out.
I’ve seen better days I’ve been star of many plays
I’ve seen better days and the bottom drops out.

Now My cup’s filled up with five buck wine
I find myself here all the time
Another rip in the glass another chip in my tooth
Rained on I’ve been stained on
Found another goat I tried to put the blame on
And now I’m steppin on all the cracks
So I guess there ain’t no use
‘Cause

I’ve seen better days I’ve been star of many plays
I’ve seen better days and the bottom drops out.
I’ve seen better days I’ve been star of many plays
I’ve seen better days and the bottom drops out.

Woman: “Do you like my gucci bag?”

That’s beautiful, beautiful
Check it check it check it out,

I’m bent like glass second hand like glory,
Missed the bus but I’m in no hurry,
Molasses fast no business born,
One foot in the hole, one foot getting deeper,
Crank it to eleven, blow another speaker and
I aint got i aint got much to lose
‘Cause

I’ve seen better days I’ve been star of many plays
I’ve seen better days and the bottom drops out.
I’ve seen better days I’ve been star of many plays
I’ve seen better days,
I’ve seen better days,
I know that i’ve seen better days,
(the bottom drops out)
I’ve been the star, of so many plays,
(and the bottom drops out)
Walked on the edge with that hobo way.
(the bottom drops out)
‘Cause I know I know that I’ve seen better days
(and the bottom drops out)

Now I’m real thirsty…

(Sublime)

Finding Beauty in Pain

I went to California on the first of this month, spending time with family and relaxing to the sound of the ocean, it is wonderful how therapeutic the ocean is for me. It gives me a sense of momentary peace and tranquility. Upon my return I felt rejuvenated as if my life for a moment was normal, the old normal. The first day I got home, I immediately felt angry, withdrawn, as well as the cloud of hopelessness returned. It is like being in the middle of a movie that you are so enthralled with that you can hardly  contain your excitement and than the movie pauses!

A few weeks back, I had ran into someone that said to me so you are all better now, and instead of explaining it doesn’t work that way when you lose a child I just smiled and said doing fine. I am better in so many ways, I find that my moments of bursts of energy to start a functional life are more common. But I am not okay, I am very numb and emotionless which quite frankly is not living with a  good quality of life. I just know that it is easier to not analyze the stages and phases anymore, rather just go with them. I have needed and craved a good cry for weeks now, not random teary moments, but a good cry, and yet I cannot!

Losing a child is the hardest thing that one can go through in my opinion, it lasting effects and pain, doesn’t ever go away. I was sitting at the park the other day by the water, just embracing the calm sound of  water running, when a limo pulled up and kids going to prom emerged to take pictures by the river. At first glance a girl in a bright pink dress was my Morgan, which turned into tears when i realized it was just hopefulness in my heart and mind to see her again. Things like that instance continue to trigger pain, as the things that bring “Normal” people joy turn the knife a little deeper in my heart.

As I look back at the first year with out Morgan, i see that my grief revolved around the accident and her death as well as justice! Well the biggest thing that has changed since than is I cannot change that the accident could have been prevented because no body stopped them! I cannot change that she is gone, because she is!  I cannot find justice for my Beautiful angel, because the people involved are spineless people with no moral compass, or conscious!  So now half way into the second year my struggle consist of  accepting that i have to live without her forever, facing that all the dreams for her and our families future have  been shattered. It is a whole new battle and really is so hard, such a different way that the emotions are displayed from how they did the first year. I feel like the first year at least I could express my grief, through tears, or depression, or how ever my emotions manifested. Now it is like i am floating waiting for my life to continue, and it seems as if peoples view is that I should be miraculously healed. There is no magic faith healer to chase away the grueling pain, I guess i just need people to understand, I am functioning without some times with no purpose, but functioning. I am not okay, I am different and require patience and understanding!

I think if I can find one thing once in a while that lets me smile, than i realize there is hope for some day to be able to be okay again, yesterday was my smile for the week!  My dear friend and one of Morgans dear friend and I revitalized her resting place, it was wonderfully hard work. It felt good to sweat and put physical energy into making something that is visually torture, into something of beauty. It is so ironic that you can find beauty within the pain!  I felt accomplished when we left the cemetery and saw how loved she is and always will be!

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Perfectly Imperfect

IMG_0697Grief is instrumental to the  metamorphous of person, as a whole. So many things change in your life when you lose some one you love. Although  no loss is an easy one, as personally I have lost my father, stepmother and grandparents.  Sadly as heart wrenching as their deaths were there is no comparison to how my life has changed with the loss of Morgan. There is no possible way to describe what this life altering event does to you, or prepare you for the process it takes to find a new normal, especially when the process is as individual as the experience it self. This is why i continue to share this undertaking, for understanding on every level. For myself to reflect on, for those who are in a similar predicament, as well as people who simply wish to understand more.

In my journey over the last 17 months or 5 days shy of 17 months I have found that the one place i feel somewhat normal is when i am with others like me. This could be in a virtual support group, or a friendship, or honestly a stranger with a similar story. It is so hard to feel like an oddity or only feel “Normal” whatever that is, when you are among other s that belong to this club which no body wants to be a member of. You only feel a like you are not abnormal because others for similar reasons now live with broken hope of what their dreams once were, because their world was as well obliterated. I suppose to feel  comfort and normalcy when you are with those who are just as fragmented is conventional in many facets. Its just so hypocritical, you do not wish anyone else to ever live in the hell you are in, you do not want anyone to have felt this pain,but yet you gravitate to those that do because they get it.

I can say that I am learning to process the fact that nothing will every be the same, it will always hurt, it will never  completely heal. I am finding that i have been able to laugh a little more than months ago, I cry a little less and slowly am learning to move back into trying to be functionally productive. This is not saying I am any better than I was during the early months, it is just saying that I am adjusting  to function with the pain. I still feel like I am in quick sand and still seems like a lot of the time the fight to get out is not worth the emotional and physical exhaustion. On those days, I generally drop back five and punt, maybe  just try to stay under the covers until i feel strong enough to fight a bit more, whatever it takes.

I do grasp a lot more now, the proverbial light bulb has gone off, i am always going to be broken! I will never be whole, kind of  like a puzzle missing a piece or I suppose like a tea cup that the handle breaks off and is glued back together, its weaker and never the same, but can function. So at this point in this wicked game this is where i am and quite honestly it is what it is! I have learned that at any given day in the process of grief, the battles you fight change from moment to moment. In the beginning i guess you are going through the traditional stages if you will. As time goes on and you graduate into new challenges, you find that the things that hurt now are things you could not have fathomed when it first happened. When you bury your child the pain and shock are so intense that no one could have possibly prepared you for it! So as  time goes you learn to progress through those stages, and you may find that in some ways you come to terms with the fact that your baby is gone and not coming back. Than you at some point start to climb out of the rabbit hole to see that the world and life as you knew it, now has a completely contrasting view with  incompatible meaning. You now identify with different goals, hopes and dreams, because the ones you had before  are now a mirage. The depth of these goals , hopes, and dreams, may be  as little as getting out of bed and making your bed one day or as extreme  changing a career.  The metamorphous of grief  reprograms you to keep the focus of the obtainable idea that you are only in need do the best that you can at a single moment, nothing more nothing less as well as embrace the idea of your new normal to be as being perfectly imperfect!

Happy Hippo

My Dearest Morgan Ray
For Months after you were taken away from us, your Dress from your Junior prom hung in the dinning room, a constant reminder of your beauty and your life. I think that we could not take it down, because with that went a part of you that we could not let go. A month or so ago, a friend and I lovingly packed up some of your belongings, it was so hard baby girl. I felt as if i was finalizing your life, which is not true. You are a part of me everyday and those that loved you.

After a lot of soul searching I decided that the dress too must come down, because i no longer saw good it in it, but anger and pain because you are gone. I am so Blessed Morgan to have people in my life that have helped me once again look at your dress with love and beauty that you represented….I hope you are proud of my choice for this, because now i can hold it in comfort and cherish its memory as much as i do you. I love you forever and a day baby girl, you will always be my heart, my soul, my daughter. ♥ 1234

This was not an easy decision for me, but i believe in my heart the right one. Looking at an empty dress made me feel as if I lost her all over again, it made me happy for the memories of that prom and that dress, but angry. I felt as empty as the dress, and wanted that feeling of joy back that i got while she wore it. Hippos were her favorite and to now see her dress in this way makes me feel close to her and her spirit. Its something I can hold forever, not just hang in a closet.

Thank You Sandy and Barb for helping me to keep my baby girl close to me ♥

hippo 2

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Heart still in for repair

 

ugh

 

 

Morgan Ray is Forever Sweet 16 , and will be gone 16 months on the 16th of this month. I continue to struggle with the strength to learn how to live without her. Basically I am still a mess. although I do continue to try and stay positive and look at all the wonderful things in my life that I am thankful for. I really have a lot to be thankful for, and realize it.  Sometimes its hard, you have to understand to see that horizon even when you know it is out there is not that simple. Because the dark cloud of  grief  is a constant deterrent that relentlessly bullies you until it gets the best of and kicks your ass until your spirit is broken and all you feel is  empty and in pain. Than when the bully leaves you because it thinks it has won you get back up and try again to see that horizon.

The bully has left me  in another funk, it seems like in the past the dark days may last a few days and than I snap out of it and press on, this time it seems to be lingering a bit longer…Its really hard to explain. I know people must think, she really needs to move on, she really needs to pull her self together and get back out there into a productive life.  I really am trying, as I want to so badly, I really do!  I feel like  there is so much life out there for me to live, and I believe in my heart that is what Morgan would want for me. She was a fighter, and obstinate, and I used to be just like that, and hope to be again someday. Lately it seemed like i at least was getting a burst of energy and would  get an idea in my head and think okay this is going to be the thing to push me back into the world and find my way to this mystical place of a new normal. It just hasn’t seemed to work out that way yet, a few days in the new venture and I am in burn out mode. That doesn’t mean I won’t keep trying, it just means that for a grieving parent getting back on the proverbial horse is not as easy as one may think even after 15 months.

 

I follow a website solely for grieving moms, I find that every-time I get on there, although the stories are heart wrenching I realize just how many other people are out there are like me. I guess some may think that it would make it worse, but it actually brings hope and comfort….I find that in this place, I am not different, I am not alone, I belong to a club that no one in their right mind would want to be a part of and yet it brings me strength and a feeling of belonging. So many people with so many stories, struggles and yet so much support. Mothers who may be in the raw portion of this process to ones who are still struggling years after. I find that with this forum, I am normal, my thoughts, feelings, actions as well as my depression are normal. The bully can’t hurt me there.

I get that by all means I am battling a state of severe depression, but have come to understand its not the kind that people get by normal standards, it is the kind of depression you are thrown into because you have no other means to survive. Its effects have diminished  my capacity  to have much desire to live a traditional life.  It has as well limited how I have maintained many friendships and relationships, many  that I have had for years. Its a vicious cycle, i tend to push people away, or keep myself at a distance from them, so they are not subjected to the bully.  I certainly do not want to drag everyone into my hell. It is madness, i find that I am so lonely it hurts, but yet I want to be alone. I want to be in social situations but feel like a human oddity as a friend puts it an elephant in the room.  Grief is a cruel debilitating ailment it really makes you want to just run away until you don’t hurt anymore. As hard as I have tried to completely withdraw, there are a few people who are uniquely strong willed  or stubborn if you will that  continue to come into the padded walls of my current existence.  Lord knows that for the life of me I cannot fathom why they continue to ride this storm out with me, let alone  be battered by my damaged character!  I have to say, i am damn lucky as well as blessed that against my better judgement they didn’t run to a safety zone. I know in my heart that I have remained above complete lunacy because of them. It means a lot to me all the the people who have been there on my journey for a new normal who have given me support without judgement, whether it may be in my everyday life, my cyber life, or just in their thoughts…

 

broken-heart-quotes-22Although I may be  bruised and broken, my heart is in for repair. In my situation,  as far as i can tell, I am perfectly normal and its okay to not be okay, as long as I keep trying!  A wise woman says to me that “I am doing the very best i can for me at this moment.”