Unf*ck Your Life: A Guide for the F*cked

Okay before anybody judges a book by its cover in this case the title…….DO NOT!!!!

My journey thru this evil grief process has been one of many trials and errors, what I mean by this is that yet again, i must redundantly regurgitate the most paramount lesson one must learn in this process, there are no rules. Having no rules means that all the advice in the world cannot prepare one for how crippled and discombobulated their life will become with grief.  Looking back at some of my post, i see such emotions as hatred, love, anger, disbelief, loss of hope, honestly too many to list…Its like I am Cybil.

After 2 years and 6 months I am still struggling to live, you know, really live. I still feel as if I am slithering in quicksand, with no end in sight.   I know my life will and cannot ever be the old normal again, how could it be? My daughter’s life was brutally taken from me. I am however, still pressing forward with the hope of  to continue fighting tooth and nail in search of my new normal. I miss Morgan, more than I could have ever fathomed….after all this time, it still seems like yesterday and in no way has  gotten better nor easier, just different.  The bottom line is that it has been 2 years and 6 months and I have not given up, so there you have it, I have not given up.

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I strive to find ways to keep what is left of my sanity and find that like a new mother, one searches for information on how to start your life with a new child and be the best as your capabilities  in order to truly live and enjoy the best life has to offer. You take in and absorb all the advice and information like a sponge in hopes of giving not only yourself but your child the ability to embrace what it is to truly live and flourish.  Now as a grieving mother, i find this to be true again, and I search for a way to have the best quality of life someone in my predicament can have with hope of someday having a life  that  will be worth living again.

I want to share something with everyone that I hope in some facet of your life that may help you find a bit of personal solace. My brother sent me a link to a book called Unfuck Your Life: A Guide for the Fucked,  I was fascinated as well as intrigued by the title and found myself reading the writings of a man i now find brilliant and inspiring. I have found that his  in your face truth is a gospel of how to make changes to change ones life. Will it be the end to all bad in your life? Will it miraculously cure the ill? Probably not, but what my hopes of sharing it are that it will be something that is an inspiring tool for perseverance of a life worth living. I know I have nothing to lose  at this point and still grasp on to hope, and this blog gives me hope. My aspirations are that you find inspiration as well as hope in any or all of his writings…..I certainly have, and in a world where i rarely feel inspired, it feels damn good to feel stimulated. I hope you are stimulated as well: https://www.facebook.com/unfckyourlife

 

The Walls are crumbling

gardenI haven’t blogged in a while, I thought maybe my walls had been built high enough to keep all my demons out. But sadly i find this is not true, I have come to understand that my life has become something similar to the movie ground hog day, it doesn’t go away it doesn’t change and no matter how hard I thrust myself into everyone else’s world at the end of the day i have to step back into mine.

Working has been a wonderful distraction but a facade, i have something pushing me to exist because i must live, but i find i am still not alive. I feel the burnout coming, i can feel the moistness of the fog that turns into  the darkness knowing its shadows are slowly  blanketing my being. I am not sure if it is because its the nearing time of year where my real life ended, or if i am just completely depleted, probably a little of both.  I am at the  point where I get up look in the mirror and realize that the only reason I go to work is because it is the last stitch holding together my sanity and purpose together.

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I find myself searching for the answer of is this the best I will every have? I barely am surviving emotionally, financially, physically and yet i force my self to continue the daily ritual of what i have to do to get to the next day! Why? What will the next day possibly have to offer that is different than today? Its like climbing a mountain and exerting every ounce of energy you can muster to get to the top to see that there is another mountain to climb. No reward, no feeling of accomplishment. Just the feeling that you have to start all over again. I am tired, so tired and feel as if I am running out of reasons to conform. My job gives me a sense of being needed which is paramount to my personal requirements, and yet there has to be more to a new life than that. I find I am back in the mode of I only have to work two more days than a day off, if i can get through that I am golden. Yet when that day off gets here, I have no strength to do anything, I am so exhausted that i wish to do nothing, I mean nothing! It is a chore to make something to eat or shower. I do not even wish to remain out of bed for longer than a refill on coffee or occasion cigarette!

I still do it, I get up every day with the attitude today is going to be the day!  Things are going to change for me and there will be a new light showing me the way but there is never any light. Will there ever be a day where there is? Will it ever feel like I am doing more than buying time to my end of life?

I can’t help but feel that this vicious circle will not be broken and yet I keep praying and trying  in hopes that i find a light before I my body completely shuts down because it has too much to bear and goes its own way quietly inside waiting for a better time, leaving me this numb and half alive forever.

I have seen better Days!!

fml-i-dont-know-like-sorry-text-Favim.com-363799Tomorrow I try once again to join the real world, as much as this is not my choice. I would much rather live like a gypsy and try to find the strength to find my way out of my darkness, and find my new normal. I walked away from my good paying job six months after Morgan was stolen from my life, I worked another job months after that, which i really enjoyed but found my emotional state was so unstable. I would be fine for a while and than something would set me off and I was unable to keep my composure. Its ironic to me that grief is not a medical condition as it is so debilitating, chronic, and unpredictable!  There is no cure, no quick fix, and it has vast effects on each individual! For me, it has been a life sentence!  It has changed me to the point, I have little interest in much! I have intermittent moments of steady weeks as well as momentary joy, and yet still have more of uncontrollable anguish! Little things that would not shake the average person, cripple me.

Financially I have no choice at this point to step back into the work force, I have an interview tomorrow and although I am so intrigued of the prospect of a new endeavor. I cannot find the excitement I need to prosper in it, its a survival thing! I have to do it if I want to remain with a roof over my head, but know it will not allow me to live, just exist. Maybe it is what it is as for the last 19 months, that is all I have done anyway! I ponder if I will ever truly find joy in anything again? I wish I had enough money to just float, and search for what my purpose is, but unfortunately I am not able to do that. Sometimes I get so pissed at people who are financially independent  and are so ungrateful!  Athletes, movie stars, performers for example make more money in one month than I could spend in a life time!…..I am not feeling sorry for myself, It just infuriates me that someone else chose this life for me….I heard yesterday from someone again, there must be a reason for Morgans death….I am so F#$cking tired of peoples ignorance!!!  I wanted to take their head in my hands and shake it till it fell off and than say “Well there is a reason for this?”

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Here is a reason my life is the way it is!!!  Two Kids  were given free will to be able to make stupid decisions, the parents involved were given free will to contribute and enable these two boys choices. The parents of some of the kids involved who were not in the accident were responsible for purchasing the alcohol for these delinquents to party. Honestly it would have been acceptable for this to happen, if  all the parents involved did not have their heads not up their asses and they made good choices to keep them home where they would not hurt anyone else or themselves.  So although the boys involved made dumb choices, their parents and the parents who bought the alcohol are the reason my daughter was murdered. These parents now can live with the fact that they murdered my daughter and caused the death of another…

So now, as they go about their merry way and continue the same patterns because they have obviously have not learned anything from their ignorance, I have to try to find a way to financially survive, while I am still in more pain than I ever imagined. I just for the life of me do not understand, why me and my family has to continually be punished for others choices. I hope for the strength to obtain this job tomorrow as well as keep on going with it…I am just struggling to find the power to be positive.

I tend to identify my feelings with music, because it reaches the deadness with in me, this song is how I feel and validates my writings today, some may say I need to move on, some may say I need to get over it but grief does not allow it to be so easy, I hope and pray that no one understands this despair, and for those that do. Keep on, Keeping on, you are maybe a select few but not alone, and my blog is for all of us.

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It goes a little something like this

In my shoes my toes are busted,
My kitchen says my bread is molded,
I got a good job at the dollar store,
One foot in the hole, one foot gettin’ deeper,
with a broken mirror and a blown out speaker
And I ain’t got much else to lose.
I’m faded, flat busted;
I’ve been jaded I’ve been dusted.
I know that I’ve seen better days.
One foot in the hole, one foot gettin’ deeper,
Crank it to eleven, blow another speaker and
I ain’t got, I ain’t got much to loose
‘Cause

I’ve seen better days I’ve been star of many plays
I’ve seen better days and the bottom drops out.
I’ve seen better days I’ve been star of many plays
I’ve seen better days and the bottom drops out.

Now My cup’s filled up with five buck wine
I find myself here all the time
Another rip in the glass another chip in my tooth
Rained on I’ve been stained on
Found another goat I tried to put the blame on
And now I’m steppin on all the cracks
So I guess there ain’t no use
‘Cause

I’ve seen better days I’ve been star of many plays
I’ve seen better days and the bottom drops out.
I’ve seen better days I’ve been star of many plays
I’ve seen better days and the bottom drops out.

Woman: “Do you like my gucci bag?”

That’s beautiful, beautiful
Check it check it check it out,

I’m bent like glass second hand like glory,
Missed the bus but I’m in no hurry,
Molasses fast no business born,
One foot in the hole, one foot getting deeper,
Crank it to eleven, blow another speaker and
I aint got i aint got much to lose
‘Cause

I’ve seen better days I’ve been star of many plays
I’ve seen better days and the bottom drops out.
I’ve seen better days I’ve been star of many plays
I’ve seen better days,
I’ve seen better days,
I know that i’ve seen better days,
(the bottom drops out)
I’ve been the star, of so many plays,
(and the bottom drops out)
Walked on the edge with that hobo way.
(the bottom drops out)
‘Cause I know I know that I’ve seen better days
(and the bottom drops out)

Now I’m real thirsty…

(Sublime)

Finding Beauty in Pain

I went to California on the first of this month, spending time with family and relaxing to the sound of the ocean, it is wonderful how therapeutic the ocean is for me. It gives me a sense of momentary peace and tranquility. Upon my return I felt rejuvenated as if my life for a moment was normal, the old normal. The first day I got home, I immediately felt angry, withdrawn, as well as the cloud of hopelessness returned. It is like being in the middle of a movie that you are so enthralled with that you can hardly  contain your excitement and than the movie pauses!

A few weeks back, I had ran into someone that said to me so you are all better now, and instead of explaining it doesn’t work that way when you lose a child I just smiled and said doing fine. I am better in so many ways, I find that my moments of bursts of energy to start a functional life are more common. But I am not okay, I am very numb and emotionless which quite frankly is not living with a  good quality of life. I just know that it is easier to not analyze the stages and phases anymore, rather just go with them. I have needed and craved a good cry for weeks now, not random teary moments, but a good cry, and yet I cannot!

Losing a child is the hardest thing that one can go through in my opinion, it lasting effects and pain, doesn’t ever go away. I was sitting at the park the other day by the water, just embracing the calm sound of  water running, when a limo pulled up and kids going to prom emerged to take pictures by the river. At first glance a girl in a bright pink dress was my Morgan, which turned into tears when i realized it was just hopefulness in my heart and mind to see her again. Things like that instance continue to trigger pain, as the things that bring “Normal” people joy turn the knife a little deeper in my heart.

As I look back at the first year with out Morgan, i see that my grief revolved around the accident and her death as well as justice! Well the biggest thing that has changed since than is I cannot change that the accident could have been prevented because no body stopped them! I cannot change that she is gone, because she is!  I cannot find justice for my Beautiful angel, because the people involved are spineless people with no moral compass, or conscious!  So now half way into the second year my struggle consist of  accepting that i have to live without her forever, facing that all the dreams for her and our families future have  been shattered. It is a whole new battle and really is so hard, such a different way that the emotions are displayed from how they did the first year. I feel like the first year at least I could express my grief, through tears, or depression, or how ever my emotions manifested. Now it is like i am floating waiting for my life to continue, and it seems as if peoples view is that I should be miraculously healed. There is no magic faith healer to chase away the grueling pain, I guess i just need people to understand, I am functioning without some times with no purpose, but functioning. I am not okay, I am different and require patience and understanding!

I think if I can find one thing once in a while that lets me smile, than i realize there is hope for some day to be able to be okay again, yesterday was my smile for the week!  My dear friend and one of Morgans dear friend and I revitalized her resting place, it was wonderfully hard work. It felt good to sweat and put physical energy into making something that is visually torture, into something of beauty. It is so ironic that you can find beauty within the pain!  I felt accomplished when we left the cemetery and saw how loved she is and always will be!

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Perfectly Imperfect

IMG_0697Grief is instrumental to the  metamorphous of person, as a whole. So many things change in your life when you lose some one you love. Although  no loss is an easy one, as personally I have lost my father, stepmother and grandparents.  Sadly as heart wrenching as their deaths were there is no comparison to how my life has changed with the loss of Morgan. There is no possible way to describe what this life altering event does to you, or prepare you for the process it takes to find a new normal, especially when the process is as individual as the experience it self. This is why i continue to share this undertaking, for understanding on every level. For myself to reflect on, for those who are in a similar predicament, as well as people who simply wish to understand more.

In my journey over the last 17 months or 5 days shy of 17 months I have found that the one place i feel somewhat normal is when i am with others like me. This could be in a virtual support group, or a friendship, or honestly a stranger with a similar story. It is so hard to feel like an oddity or only feel “Normal” whatever that is, when you are among other s that belong to this club which no body wants to be a member of. You only feel a like you are not abnormal because others for similar reasons now live with broken hope of what their dreams once were, because their world was as well obliterated. I suppose to feel  comfort and normalcy when you are with those who are just as fragmented is conventional in many facets. Its just so hypocritical, you do not wish anyone else to ever live in the hell you are in, you do not want anyone to have felt this pain,but yet you gravitate to those that do because they get it.

I can say that I am learning to process the fact that nothing will every be the same, it will always hurt, it will never  completely heal. I am finding that i have been able to laugh a little more than months ago, I cry a little less and slowly am learning to move back into trying to be functionally productive. This is not saying I am any better than I was during the early months, it is just saying that I am adjusting  to function with the pain. I still feel like I am in quick sand and still seems like a lot of the time the fight to get out is not worth the emotional and physical exhaustion. On those days, I generally drop back five and punt, maybe  just try to stay under the covers until i feel strong enough to fight a bit more, whatever it takes.

I do grasp a lot more now, the proverbial light bulb has gone off, i am always going to be broken! I will never be whole, kind of  like a puzzle missing a piece or I suppose like a tea cup that the handle breaks off and is glued back together, its weaker and never the same, but can function. So at this point in this wicked game this is where i am and quite honestly it is what it is! I have learned that at any given day in the process of grief, the battles you fight change from moment to moment. In the beginning i guess you are going through the traditional stages if you will. As time goes on and you graduate into new challenges, you find that the things that hurt now are things you could not have fathomed when it first happened. When you bury your child the pain and shock are so intense that no one could have possibly prepared you for it! So as  time goes you learn to progress through those stages, and you may find that in some ways you come to terms with the fact that your baby is gone and not coming back. Than you at some point start to climb out of the rabbit hole to see that the world and life as you knew it, now has a completely contrasting view with  incompatible meaning. You now identify with different goals, hopes and dreams, because the ones you had before  are now a mirage. The depth of these goals , hopes, and dreams, may be  as little as getting out of bed and making your bed one day or as extreme  changing a career.  The metamorphous of grief  reprograms you to keep the focus of the obtainable idea that you are only in need do the best that you can at a single moment, nothing more nothing less as well as embrace the idea of your new normal to be as being perfectly imperfect!

Happy Hippo

My Dearest Morgan Ray
For Months after you were taken away from us, your Dress from your Junior prom hung in the dinning room, a constant reminder of your beauty and your life. I think that we could not take it down, because with that went a part of you that we could not let go. A month or so ago, a friend and I lovingly packed up some of your belongings, it was so hard baby girl. I felt as if i was finalizing your life, which is not true. You are a part of me everyday and those that loved you.

After a lot of soul searching I decided that the dress too must come down, because i no longer saw good it in it, but anger and pain because you are gone. I am so Blessed Morgan to have people in my life that have helped me once again look at your dress with love and beauty that you represented….I hope you are proud of my choice for this, because now i can hold it in comfort and cherish its memory as much as i do you. I love you forever and a day baby girl, you will always be my heart, my soul, my daughter. ♥ 1234

This was not an easy decision for me, but i believe in my heart the right one. Looking at an empty dress made me feel as if I lost her all over again, it made me happy for the memories of that prom and that dress, but angry. I felt as empty as the dress, and wanted that feeling of joy back that i got while she wore it. Hippos were her favorite and to now see her dress in this way makes me feel close to her and her spirit. Its something I can hold forever, not just hang in a closet.

Thank You Sandy and Barb for helping me to keep my baby girl close to me ♥

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Comfortably Numb

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You would think that it would be no big surprise after almost 16 months that i could fall back into a familiar place of emotional numbness, but again no rules and lots of let downs. The Past few days I have  become some what numb again. The Bully is such an obstinate bastard, its wrath has really just emotionally and physically whipped my ass again. I guess the mind knows when its time to shut down to give your body a reprieve, I am grateful that my mind is not completely dysfunctional and knows when the soul needs a break.

And  yet, the mind let the bully come out in a different facet, in my sleep. I had the most bizarre dream last night, I was at a hospital visiting a family whose child was battling cancer, in the dream I knew this child would not survive, I remember trying to keep it together for this family whom i barely knew, because I didn’t want them to know that i could feel the child would not survive. I could not stop bawling in the dream, it was simply uncontrollable because i knew that with their child’s fate, would become a life sentence of hell for this family. I rarely remember my dreams, but this one seem to continue for what seemed like forever. I never saw Morgan in my dream but was fully aware that the tears were flowing because of her. I was crying so hard in my dream that it woke me up and I had been literally crying in my sleep.

This really freaked me out, I thought to myself this morning why can i cry in my sleep but am so empty while awake…I started to research dreams and meanings and interpretations of them and this is what I found.

Some of the explanations from the sources I read:

“If you are crying in a dream, then you are likely in some sort of mourning or expression of grief.   Tears of sadness connect to loss.”  

“The more acutely you can feel the physicality of crying upon waking, the closer to consciousness the wound is.  The level of disconsolation you feel may give you an idea of the intensity of the hurt you are cleansing.  Remember that in your dreams, just as in life, crying is a healthy and powerful way of processing grief and facilitating transition and transformation.”

“To dream that you are crying indicates a release of depressing feelings that may be closely linked to actual happenings in your waking life rather than scenes from the dream itself. Your dream may be a means to restore some emotional stability whilst providing an appropriate outlet for your fears and frustrations. As people go through their everyday lives, they tend to push back, ignore, disallow, or repress their true emotions. It is only through their dreams that they are able to unmask their persona and truly express their feelings.”

“Crying in a dream can represent repressed emotions that are about to boil over. When this is the case one really needs to deal with these emotional traumas and difficulties in their waking life immediately otherwise an outpour is going to happen and it may not be at the best of times. 

In our waking state we can hold back emotions and fears but while sleeping our guard is down and we are open to being forced to face these issues. However once you begin to dream of crying things are usually too far out of hand to hold back in your waking life much longer. “

These excerpts kind of make me nervous and confused, again because i am continually on an emotionally charged roller coaster. I mean in my dream last night, I was  emotionally in so much pain it  manifested in a different outlet, but yet in my conscious life, I am repressing my emotions. I really try not to put any stock in the moment as it changes with the wind. I guess taking a cue from my apparent need to hold back and become comfortably numb is where i need to be at this moment. Maybe it is some sort of blessing that my subconscious is choosing to give my cluttered soul a needed break.

The lesson I am learning or should i say should be submitting to as well as  conforming to has been redundantly referred to is that again  this journey has no time frame, no rules, and no logic for one to eliminate the bully. This is a fact, no matter how many times i say it, write it or just live it. It is what it is! So, I proceed with the concept  to go with the flow of the current moment with acceptance and understanding as well as patience. A maze of an enigma is the  path a grieving parent  must conquer in ordered to get a head of the bully or at the very least learn to coexist.

Heart still in for repair

 

ugh

 

 

Morgan Ray is Forever Sweet 16 , and will be gone 16 months on the 16th of this month. I continue to struggle with the strength to learn how to live without her. Basically I am still a mess. although I do continue to try and stay positive and look at all the wonderful things in my life that I am thankful for. I really have a lot to be thankful for, and realize it.  Sometimes its hard, you have to understand to see that horizon even when you know it is out there is not that simple. Because the dark cloud of  grief  is a constant deterrent that relentlessly bullies you until it gets the best of and kicks your ass until your spirit is broken and all you feel is  empty and in pain. Than when the bully leaves you because it thinks it has won you get back up and try again to see that horizon.

The bully has left me  in another funk, it seems like in the past the dark days may last a few days and than I snap out of it and press on, this time it seems to be lingering a bit longer…Its really hard to explain. I know people must think, she really needs to move on, she really needs to pull her self together and get back out there into a productive life.  I really am trying, as I want to so badly, I really do!  I feel like  there is so much life out there for me to live, and I believe in my heart that is what Morgan would want for me. She was a fighter, and obstinate, and I used to be just like that, and hope to be again someday. Lately it seemed like i at least was getting a burst of energy and would  get an idea in my head and think okay this is going to be the thing to push me back into the world and find my way to this mystical place of a new normal. It just hasn’t seemed to work out that way yet, a few days in the new venture and I am in burn out mode. That doesn’t mean I won’t keep trying, it just means that for a grieving parent getting back on the proverbial horse is not as easy as one may think even after 15 months.

 

I follow a website solely for grieving moms, I find that every-time I get on there, although the stories are heart wrenching I realize just how many other people are out there are like me. I guess some may think that it would make it worse, but it actually brings hope and comfort….I find that in this place, I am not different, I am not alone, I belong to a club that no one in their right mind would want to be a part of and yet it brings me strength and a feeling of belonging. So many people with so many stories, struggles and yet so much support. Mothers who may be in the raw portion of this process to ones who are still struggling years after. I find that with this forum, I am normal, my thoughts, feelings, actions as well as my depression are normal. The bully can’t hurt me there.

I get that by all means I am battling a state of severe depression, but have come to understand its not the kind that people get by normal standards, it is the kind of depression you are thrown into because you have no other means to survive. Its effects have diminished  my capacity  to have much desire to live a traditional life.  It has as well limited how I have maintained many friendships and relationships, many  that I have had for years. Its a vicious cycle, i tend to push people away, or keep myself at a distance from them, so they are not subjected to the bully.  I certainly do not want to drag everyone into my hell. It is madness, i find that I am so lonely it hurts, but yet I want to be alone. I want to be in social situations but feel like a human oddity as a friend puts it an elephant in the room.  Grief is a cruel debilitating ailment it really makes you want to just run away until you don’t hurt anymore. As hard as I have tried to completely withdraw, there are a few people who are uniquely strong willed  or stubborn if you will that  continue to come into the padded walls of my current existence.  Lord knows that for the life of me I cannot fathom why they continue to ride this storm out with me, let alone  be battered by my damaged character!  I have to say, i am damn lucky as well as blessed that against my better judgement they didn’t run to a safety zone. I know in my heart that I have remained above complete lunacy because of them. It means a lot to me all the the people who have been there on my journey for a new normal who have given me support without judgement, whether it may be in my everyday life, my cyber life, or just in their thoughts…

 

broken-heart-quotes-22Although I may be  bruised and broken, my heart is in for repair. In my situation,  as far as i can tell, I am perfectly normal and its okay to not be okay, as long as I keep trying!  A wise woman says to me that “I am doing the very best i can for me at this moment.”

The Eyes Have It!

LIfe lessons are something i am continually learning about, i have gained the knowledge of the old adage not to judge a book by its cover. Since losing Morgan, I have become so much more patient, I now tend to look past flaws in life and people, that maybe i wouldn’t have before. Being a part of the club no body wants to be a member of has taken its toll, not just on me, but every one who is an associate with this horrible society. I notice things that I did not notice before or maybe i noticed but did not understand….In the past, if I walked into a store and the clerk was being miserable and unhelpful, before i may have gotten an attitude with them, but now i tend to look into their eyes and wonder. I wonder what pain they may be living with? What story do their eyes tell, or hide? I have come to an understanding that the broken hearted in this club have lost a spark that they will never have again. Not that they won’t ever find a place where they can be happy, but that they will never be whole.
The eyes are often thought of as ‘the windows of the soul’. The soul of parents in grief  have been forever changed, and it shows in their eyes. I see this when I look in the mirror, i see that a part of my soul has died along with My Morgan. I see this in others eyes as well, who are suffering from the same anguish.eyes

Our eyes tell the story of tortured souls of all kinds, people who are angry and are perceived as being down right mean may be just suffering from some kind of pain. We are always told to be kind to people because we don’t know where they have been and what they have been through, I personally have not always considered this and now i do. It actually is a good thing that I am coming to an understanding of how much human pain can cause a person to change, I wish it didn’t come to this point because of Morgans death, But this is a fact that cannot be ignored.

life is short and people have pasts as well as pain. Learning to move forward doesn’t always mean healing or beating the demons.  Life is short, every breath is a gift what we  should do with that gift is to give it back with patience and understanding as well as tolerance. Nickelbacks lyrics are powerful yet simple ”

“Each day’s a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride”

This is the way we should look at life, but in order to achieve this we must find the tolerance  within ourselves to see that there may be more of a reason some one is on their current path.  Next time someone has gotten you to the point that you are ready to blow, or you decide that a homeless person on the street should be deemed as a bum, whatever the situation, try to  look into their eyes, look past your assumptions. If you can do this you may be able to not just see but look  to their tortured soul. I know this may seem to be a feat that is not feasible, but the point is just step back from the situation and think, there may be more to their story.

There is no limit to ones time for Grief

broken heart

When someone is grieving i believe in my heart that many if not all outsiders have the best intentions to help I truly do, but understandably  they have no real concept  on how long and how often the mourning need support or just understanding. People that lose loved ones, I have come to find that there is no limit to the time it takes for each individual to find their new normal. I think that sometimes when people view the lives of the sorrowful, they think that the person or people grieving should have come to terms with their loss after a certain amount of time. I have found  this not to be true, I have sadly gained the knowledge that every moment to everyday is different. It is so hard to help people understand that we need to grieve as long as it may take. We all seem to have our own way to do this, whether it is to submerse our time into our work so that our mind has little time to feel the pain, or that we become some what of a recluse trying to understand our torture. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, there are no rules.  I personally try to battle the pain by writing my feelings at that moment. I think some may not understand and my God am I thankful for that because I would not wish this on anyone.

It is so important to me to put out there that when you see someone struggling and they may seem as if their path is destructive, it might not always be as it seems, sometimes we must  look outside the box! This is  because anyone who is grieving that keeps having emotions whether negative or positive has not given up the fight. I cannot identify my grief with anyones else, I have learned to accept the death of my father and step mother and although it still hurts, I have learned to move forward. I have found that burying a child is a completely different kind of grief for me anyway. I am moving forward, I am fighting to become a new normal.   I have found that  not just me but all other parents who are trying to win the fight are on this similar  path and they may feel like there is no end, keep fighting.

I want to post this link for those that may be fighting this fight to maybe offer support that you are not alone. I also want to post this for people who may just want to understand some of the process grieving parents may be going through. I am also posting some writings from this site that have heart felt meaning to me.

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Grieving-Mothers/162680380444494

no limitDear Clueless

I would like to share with you my pain but that isn’t possible unless you have lost a child yourself and that I wouldn’t want you to have to experience. So with that being said, I would like to say this. I will try to my best to understand you if you try to understand me. I lost my child. My life will never be the same. I will never be the same again. I will be different from now on. I no longer have the same feelings about anything. Everything in my life has changed from the moment my child left to go to heaven. I will, on some days be very sad and nothing you say will changes that so don’t feel like it is your job to make me feel better on those days, just allow me to be where I am.
When you lose a child you not only lose your reason for living, you lose the motivation to go on. You also lose your sense of self. It takes a long time to come to some kind of understanding for why this has happened, if ever. Of course we who have lost children know we have to go on but we don’t want to hear someone else tell us too. Especially from someone who has not lost a child. It makes me and anyone who has lost a child want to say who are you to tell me that? Did you bury your child? I don’t want this to sound like I don’t appreciate everything you say because I know you mean well, but I just want you to appreciate where I am coming from too. I want you to understand that some of the things you say hurt me and others like me without you really knowing it. I know it must be pretty hard to talk to people like myself, not knowing what to say. That is why I am writing this letter.
If you don’t know what to say, say nothing or just say I’m sorry. That always works for me. If you want to talk and say my child’s name feel free I would love to hear her name anytime. You not saying her name didn’t make me forget it, or what happened to her. So by all means say her name. When special dates come or holidays come please forgive me if I’m not myself. I just can’t keep it up on those days. I may wish to be by myself so I can think about my child without putting on a front. Most of all I want you to know I’m having a hard time with the death of my child and I am trying my very best to get back into life again. Some days it may look like I have accomplished that, and other days like I am at square one.
This will happen the rest of my life periodically. There are just no words to explain the living hell this feels like. There are no words that could ever do it justice. So please bear with me and give me time and don’t put your own timetable on my grief and let me be the person I am now and not have to live up to the person you think I should be. Allow me my space and time and accept me for me. I will try my best to understand you.
Love, Your Friend in Grief

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