Unf*ck Your Life: A Guide for the F*cked

Okay before anybody judges a book by its cover in this case the title…….DO NOT!!!!

My journey thru this evil grief process has been one of many trials and errors, what I mean by this is that yet again, i must redundantly regurgitate the most paramount lesson one must learn in this process, there are no rules. Having no rules means that all the advice in the world cannot prepare one for how crippled and discombobulated their life will become with grief.  Looking back at some of my post, i see such emotions as hatred, love, anger, disbelief, loss of hope, honestly too many to list…Its like I am Cybil.

After 2 years and 6 months I am still struggling to live, you know, really live. I still feel as if I am slithering in quicksand, with no end in sight.   I know my life will and cannot ever be the old normal again, how could it be? My daughter’s life was brutally taken from me. I am however, still pressing forward with the hope of  to continue fighting tooth and nail in search of my new normal. I miss Morgan, more than I could have ever fathomed….after all this time, it still seems like yesterday and in no way has  gotten better nor easier, just different.  The bottom line is that it has been 2 years and 6 months and I have not given up, so there you have it, I have not given up.

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I strive to find ways to keep what is left of my sanity and find that like a new mother, one searches for information on how to start your life with a new child and be the best as your capabilities  in order to truly live and enjoy the best life has to offer. You take in and absorb all the advice and information like a sponge in hopes of giving not only yourself but your child the ability to embrace what it is to truly live and flourish.  Now as a grieving mother, i find this to be true again, and I search for a way to have the best quality of life someone in my predicament can have with hope of someday having a life  that  will be worth living again.

I want to share something with everyone that I hope in some facet of your life that may help you find a bit of personal solace. My brother sent me a link to a book called Unfuck Your Life: A Guide for the Fucked,  I was fascinated as well as intrigued by the title and found myself reading the writings of a man i now find brilliant and inspiring. I have found that his  in your face truth is a gospel of how to make changes to change ones life. Will it be the end to all bad in your life? Will it miraculously cure the ill? Probably not, but what my hopes of sharing it are that it will be something that is an inspiring tool for perseverance of a life worth living. I know I have nothing to lose  at this point and still grasp on to hope, and this blog gives me hope. My aspirations are that you find inspiration as well as hope in any or all of his writings…..I certainly have, and in a world where i rarely feel inspired, it feels damn good to feel stimulated. I hope you are stimulated as well: https://www.facebook.com/unfckyourlife

 

I have seen better Days!!

fml-i-dont-know-like-sorry-text-Favim.com-363799Tomorrow I try once again to join the real world, as much as this is not my choice. I would much rather live like a gypsy and try to find the strength to find my way out of my darkness, and find my new normal. I walked away from my good paying job six months after Morgan was stolen from my life, I worked another job months after that, which i really enjoyed but found my emotional state was so unstable. I would be fine for a while and than something would set me off and I was unable to keep my composure. Its ironic to me that grief is not a medical condition as it is so debilitating, chronic, and unpredictable!  There is no cure, no quick fix, and it has vast effects on each individual! For me, it has been a life sentence!  It has changed me to the point, I have little interest in much! I have intermittent moments of steady weeks as well as momentary joy, and yet still have more of uncontrollable anguish! Little things that would not shake the average person, cripple me.

Financially I have no choice at this point to step back into the work force, I have an interview tomorrow and although I am so intrigued of the prospect of a new endeavor. I cannot find the excitement I need to prosper in it, its a survival thing! I have to do it if I want to remain with a roof over my head, but know it will not allow me to live, just exist. Maybe it is what it is as for the last 19 months, that is all I have done anyway! I ponder if I will ever truly find joy in anything again? I wish I had enough money to just float, and search for what my purpose is, but unfortunately I am not able to do that. Sometimes I get so pissed at people who are financially independent  and are so ungrateful!  Athletes, movie stars, performers for example make more money in one month than I could spend in a life time!…..I am not feeling sorry for myself, It just infuriates me that someone else chose this life for me….I heard yesterday from someone again, there must be a reason for Morgans death….I am so F#$cking tired of peoples ignorance!!!  I wanted to take their head in my hands and shake it till it fell off and than say “Well there is a reason for this?”

demotivation.us_PEOPLE-SAY-THAT-EVERYTHING-HAPPENS-FOR-A-REASON-So-next-time-I-hit-you-remember-that-I-had-a-reason_134251773581

Here is a reason my life is the way it is!!!  Two Kids  were given free will to be able to make stupid decisions, the parents involved were given free will to contribute and enable these two boys choices. The parents of some of the kids involved who were not in the accident were responsible for purchasing the alcohol for these delinquents to party. Honestly it would have been acceptable for this to happen, if  all the parents involved did not have their heads not up their asses and they made good choices to keep them home where they would not hurt anyone else or themselves.  So although the boys involved made dumb choices, their parents and the parents who bought the alcohol are the reason my daughter was murdered. These parents now can live with the fact that they murdered my daughter and caused the death of another…

So now, as they go about their merry way and continue the same patterns because they have obviously have not learned anything from their ignorance, I have to try to find a way to financially survive, while I am still in more pain than I ever imagined. I just for the life of me do not understand, why me and my family has to continually be punished for others choices. I hope for the strength to obtain this job tomorrow as well as keep on going with it…I am just struggling to find the power to be positive.

I tend to identify my feelings with music, because it reaches the deadness with in me, this song is how I feel and validates my writings today, some may say I need to move on, some may say I need to get over it but grief does not allow it to be so easy, I hope and pray that no one understands this despair, and for those that do. Keep on, Keeping on, you are maybe a select few but not alone, and my blog is for all of us.

days

It goes a little something like this

In my shoes my toes are busted,
My kitchen says my bread is molded,
I got a good job at the dollar store,
One foot in the hole, one foot gettin’ deeper,
with a broken mirror and a blown out speaker
And I ain’t got much else to lose.
I’m faded, flat busted;
I’ve been jaded I’ve been dusted.
I know that I’ve seen better days.
One foot in the hole, one foot gettin’ deeper,
Crank it to eleven, blow another speaker and
I ain’t got, I ain’t got much to loose
‘Cause

I’ve seen better days I’ve been star of many plays
I’ve seen better days and the bottom drops out.
I’ve seen better days I’ve been star of many plays
I’ve seen better days and the bottom drops out.

Now My cup’s filled up with five buck wine
I find myself here all the time
Another rip in the glass another chip in my tooth
Rained on I’ve been stained on
Found another goat I tried to put the blame on
And now I’m steppin on all the cracks
So I guess there ain’t no use
‘Cause

I’ve seen better days I’ve been star of many plays
I’ve seen better days and the bottom drops out.
I’ve seen better days I’ve been star of many plays
I’ve seen better days and the bottom drops out.

Woman: “Do you like my gucci bag?”

That’s beautiful, beautiful
Check it check it check it out,

I’m bent like glass second hand like glory,
Missed the bus but I’m in no hurry,
Molasses fast no business born,
One foot in the hole, one foot getting deeper,
Crank it to eleven, blow another speaker and
I aint got i aint got much to lose
‘Cause

I’ve seen better days I’ve been star of many plays
I’ve seen better days and the bottom drops out.
I’ve seen better days I’ve been star of many plays
I’ve seen better days,
I’ve seen better days,
I know that i’ve seen better days,
(the bottom drops out)
I’ve been the star, of so many plays,
(and the bottom drops out)
Walked on the edge with that hobo way.
(the bottom drops out)
‘Cause I know I know that I’ve seen better days
(and the bottom drops out)

Now I’m real thirsty…

(Sublime)

Frozen In Grief

timeOne of the difficult questions to answer is “How long will I be grieving?”

The process can go on for years, in some cases even a lifetime

The answer to this question is highly variable, depending on many factors including the type of loss, extraordinary circumstances surrounding the loss.  It also depends on an individuals coping skills and number of prior losses, and how those were handled.

Tragedies can be much more difficult to recover from quickly of at all depending on the nature of the tradgedy e.g unnecessary or accidental death, rape, loss through natural disasters, death during war-time, unnecessary acts of violence. These types of losses are the ones that lend themselves to counseling and seeking professional help to deal with the loss. Depending on the nature of the loss, it may be something that a person may never recover from, but one must learn how to incorporate the loss, learn what one can and move on.

Part of what needs to remember about grief and mourning, is that the same event experienced by many different people can affect individuals very differently. This is especially important within families, because certain members may be in different stages of the grieving process, go through the phases more quickly than others or stay stuck in certain phases for years  Anger, or Depression.

One needs to be mindful when dealing with others, that they will probably not be in the same stage as you are. Understanding the stages of grief and the grieving process can help deal with the hard feelings and the arguments that may arise from two individuals trying to communicate when in different stages

Grief

There is a grief that ages the face

and hardens the heart

yet softens the spirit

 

A grief that cast shadows on the eyes

yet broadens the mind

 

A grief that keeps the pain and has no words

But increases the understanding

 

There is a grief that breaks the heart and wounds the soul

That lasts and lasts and can shatter in a minute

But will inspire for a lifetime

I Grieve

it was only one hour ago 

it was all so different then 

there’s nothing yet has really sunk in 

looks like it always did 

this flesh and bone 

it’s just the way that you would tied in 

now there’s no-one home 

 

i grieve for you 

you leave me 

‘so hard to move on 

still loving what’s gone 

they say life carries on 

carries on and on and on and on 

 

the news that truly shocks is the empty empty page 

while the final rattle rocks its empty empty cage 

and i can’t handle this 

 

i grieve for you 

you leave me 

let it out and move on 

missing what’s gone 

they say life carries on 

they say life carries on and on and on 

 

life carries on 

in the people i meet 

in everyone that’s out on the street 

in all the dogs and cats 

in the flies and rats 

in the rot and the rust 

in the ashes and the dust 

life carries on and on and on and on 

life carries on and on and on 

 

it’s just the car that we ride in 

a home we reside in 

the face that we hide in 

the way we are tied in 

and life carries on and on and on and on 

life carries on and on and on 

 

did I dream this belief? 

or did i believe this dream? 

now i can find relief 

i grieve

 

-Peter Gabriel

 

Happy Hippo

My Dearest Morgan Ray
For Months after you were taken away from us, your Dress from your Junior prom hung in the dinning room, a constant reminder of your beauty and your life. I think that we could not take it down, because with that went a part of you that we could not let go. A month or so ago, a friend and I lovingly packed up some of your belongings, it was so hard baby girl. I felt as if i was finalizing your life, which is not true. You are a part of me everyday and those that loved you.

After a lot of soul searching I decided that the dress too must come down, because i no longer saw good it in it, but anger and pain because you are gone. I am so Blessed Morgan to have people in my life that have helped me once again look at your dress with love and beauty that you represented….I hope you are proud of my choice for this, because now i can hold it in comfort and cherish its memory as much as i do you. I love you forever and a day baby girl, you will always be my heart, my soul, my daughter. ♥ 1234

This was not an easy decision for me, but i believe in my heart the right one. Looking at an empty dress made me feel as if I lost her all over again, it made me happy for the memories of that prom and that dress, but angry. I felt as empty as the dress, and wanted that feeling of joy back that i got while she wore it. Hippos were her favorite and to now see her dress in this way makes me feel close to her and her spirit. Its something I can hold forever, not just hang in a closet.

Thank You Sandy and Barb for helping me to keep my baby girl close to me ♥

hippo 2

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Heart still in for repair

 

ugh

 

 

Morgan Ray is Forever Sweet 16 , and will be gone 16 months on the 16th of this month. I continue to struggle with the strength to learn how to live without her. Basically I am still a mess. although I do continue to try and stay positive and look at all the wonderful things in my life that I am thankful for. I really have a lot to be thankful for, and realize it.  Sometimes its hard, you have to understand to see that horizon even when you know it is out there is not that simple. Because the dark cloud of  grief  is a constant deterrent that relentlessly bullies you until it gets the best of and kicks your ass until your spirit is broken and all you feel is  empty and in pain. Than when the bully leaves you because it thinks it has won you get back up and try again to see that horizon.

The bully has left me  in another funk, it seems like in the past the dark days may last a few days and than I snap out of it and press on, this time it seems to be lingering a bit longer…Its really hard to explain. I know people must think, she really needs to move on, she really needs to pull her self together and get back out there into a productive life.  I really am trying, as I want to so badly, I really do!  I feel like  there is so much life out there for me to live, and I believe in my heart that is what Morgan would want for me. She was a fighter, and obstinate, and I used to be just like that, and hope to be again someday. Lately it seemed like i at least was getting a burst of energy and would  get an idea in my head and think okay this is going to be the thing to push me back into the world and find my way to this mystical place of a new normal. It just hasn’t seemed to work out that way yet, a few days in the new venture and I am in burn out mode. That doesn’t mean I won’t keep trying, it just means that for a grieving parent getting back on the proverbial horse is not as easy as one may think even after 15 months.

 

I follow a website solely for grieving moms, I find that every-time I get on there, although the stories are heart wrenching I realize just how many other people are out there are like me. I guess some may think that it would make it worse, but it actually brings hope and comfort….I find that in this place, I am not different, I am not alone, I belong to a club that no one in their right mind would want to be a part of and yet it brings me strength and a feeling of belonging. So many people with so many stories, struggles and yet so much support. Mothers who may be in the raw portion of this process to ones who are still struggling years after. I find that with this forum, I am normal, my thoughts, feelings, actions as well as my depression are normal. The bully can’t hurt me there.

I get that by all means I am battling a state of severe depression, but have come to understand its not the kind that people get by normal standards, it is the kind of depression you are thrown into because you have no other means to survive. Its effects have diminished  my capacity  to have much desire to live a traditional life.  It has as well limited how I have maintained many friendships and relationships, many  that I have had for years. Its a vicious cycle, i tend to push people away, or keep myself at a distance from them, so they are not subjected to the bully.  I certainly do not want to drag everyone into my hell. It is madness, i find that I am so lonely it hurts, but yet I want to be alone. I want to be in social situations but feel like a human oddity as a friend puts it an elephant in the room.  Grief is a cruel debilitating ailment it really makes you want to just run away until you don’t hurt anymore. As hard as I have tried to completely withdraw, there are a few people who are uniquely strong willed  or stubborn if you will that  continue to come into the padded walls of my current existence.  Lord knows that for the life of me I cannot fathom why they continue to ride this storm out with me, let alone  be battered by my damaged character!  I have to say, i am damn lucky as well as blessed that against my better judgement they didn’t run to a safety zone. I know in my heart that I have remained above complete lunacy because of them. It means a lot to me all the the people who have been there on my journey for a new normal who have given me support without judgement, whether it may be in my everyday life, my cyber life, or just in their thoughts…

 

broken-heart-quotes-22Although I may be  bruised and broken, my heart is in for repair. In my situation,  as far as i can tell, I am perfectly normal and its okay to not be okay, as long as I keep trying!  A wise woman says to me that “I am doing the very best i can for me at this moment.”

There is no limit to ones time for Grief

broken heart

When someone is grieving i believe in my heart that many if not all outsiders have the best intentions to help I truly do, but understandably  they have no real concept  on how long and how often the mourning need support or just understanding. People that lose loved ones, I have come to find that there is no limit to the time it takes for each individual to find their new normal. I think that sometimes when people view the lives of the sorrowful, they think that the person or people grieving should have come to terms with their loss after a certain amount of time. I have found  this not to be true, I have sadly gained the knowledge that every moment to everyday is different. It is so hard to help people understand that we need to grieve as long as it may take. We all seem to have our own way to do this, whether it is to submerse our time into our work so that our mind has little time to feel the pain, or that we become some what of a recluse trying to understand our torture. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, there are no rules.  I personally try to battle the pain by writing my feelings at that moment. I think some may not understand and my God am I thankful for that because I would not wish this on anyone.

It is so important to me to put out there that when you see someone struggling and they may seem as if their path is destructive, it might not always be as it seems, sometimes we must  look outside the box! This is  because anyone who is grieving that keeps having emotions whether negative or positive has not given up the fight. I cannot identify my grief with anyones else, I have learned to accept the death of my father and step mother and although it still hurts, I have learned to move forward. I have found that burying a child is a completely different kind of grief for me anyway. I am moving forward, I am fighting to become a new normal.   I have found that  not just me but all other parents who are trying to win the fight are on this similar  path and they may feel like there is no end, keep fighting.

I want to post this link for those that may be fighting this fight to maybe offer support that you are not alone. I also want to post this for people who may just want to understand some of the process grieving parents may be going through. I am also posting some writings from this site that have heart felt meaning to me.

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Grieving-Mothers/162680380444494

no limitDear Clueless

I would like to share with you my pain but that isn’t possible unless you have lost a child yourself and that I wouldn’t want you to have to experience. So with that being said, I would like to say this. I will try to my best to understand you if you try to understand me. I lost my child. My life will never be the same. I will never be the same again. I will be different from now on. I no longer have the same feelings about anything. Everything in my life has changed from the moment my child left to go to heaven. I will, on some days be very sad and nothing you say will changes that so don’t feel like it is your job to make me feel better on those days, just allow me to be where I am.
When you lose a child you not only lose your reason for living, you lose the motivation to go on. You also lose your sense of self. It takes a long time to come to some kind of understanding for why this has happened, if ever. Of course we who have lost children know we have to go on but we don’t want to hear someone else tell us too. Especially from someone who has not lost a child. It makes me and anyone who has lost a child want to say who are you to tell me that? Did you bury your child? I don’t want this to sound like I don’t appreciate everything you say because I know you mean well, but I just want you to appreciate where I am coming from too. I want you to understand that some of the things you say hurt me and others like me without you really knowing it. I know it must be pretty hard to talk to people like myself, not knowing what to say. That is why I am writing this letter.
If you don’t know what to say, say nothing or just say I’m sorry. That always works for me. If you want to talk and say my child’s name feel free I would love to hear her name anytime. You not saying her name didn’t make me forget it, or what happened to her. So by all means say her name. When special dates come or holidays come please forgive me if I’m not myself. I just can’t keep it up on those days. I may wish to be by myself so I can think about my child without putting on a front. Most of all I want you to know I’m having a hard time with the death of my child and I am trying my very best to get back into life again. Some days it may look like I have accomplished that, and other days like I am at square one.
This will happen the rest of my life periodically. There are just no words to explain the living hell this feels like. There are no words that could ever do it justice. So please bear with me and give me time and don’t put your own timetable on my grief and let me be the person I am now and not have to live up to the person you think I should be. Allow me my space and time and accept me for me. I will try my best to understand you.
Love, Your Friend in Grief

forward

Still Fighting

I am finding it harder and harder to Blog, not because I don’t have anything to say, everyone that knows me, knows how much i talk. But because i feel as if I am back in the place of darkness and I think people must get tired of the doom and gloom! I decided to put it out there anyway because this is about the process of trying to find a new normal.

I had hoped that I would be farther forward than I am at this moment!  I am continuing the battle of grief and it is a roller coaster ride from hell. Just when you think you are gaining ground, something slaps you in the face and opens your eyes to how you really feel. The slap of reality is so painful, its not like when you feel the sting and than the pain subsides, its more like a  continual pain that lingers and is tolerable you know its there and you are sore, but than you move the wrong way and the pain is like you have been electrocuted.

Coming into 14 1/2 months i really thought things would be easier, and in a way some are, not easier but they are accepted. I have learned to accept certain things for what they are, mind you this does not make it okay or less painful but that my mind has learned to accept. That is forward motion and although it is not huge it is progress. I have accepted the fact that my life will never be the same. I have accepted that my baby girl will never come home. I have accepted that our family will never be whole. I have accepted that those who caused and contributed to her death will never own up their responsibilities as a good person would.

So this is progress, these are the things i cannot change I have come to grips with that and now trying to focus on other aspects. Last week a friend and I started the pain staking process of boxing up Morgans belongings. This brought out so many feelings which is to be expected, feelings of pain, anger, to even joy! There was some brief moments when something i touched brought back a moment of happiness for that memory. The joy parts were short lived as reality again set in, but truth be told as hard as it was to start organizing her things, the small moments of happiness will forever be treasured. I cherished the smell of her that surrounded me, the pieces of her life that told the story of who she was and how she lived. I will be forever grateful for that feeling and short live moments of euphoria!

The bad thing is I am back in the well, its okay though i know it has got to be normal as well as part of the process!  I feel lost, and protected by numbness again I wish i could just have a good cry, instead of intermittent moments of tears. I guess again, the mind knows the heart needs a break.  I am learning that the second year into this is in some ways harder than the first after you have submitted to accepting, than you have to find a way to move forward!  This by far is the hardest part of the battle thus far, is finding that reason to prosper, because it has to be for me because I have to be  ready not because someone else says its the right thing to do or its what Morgan would want. Its a battle of ones will to not only be alive, but to live.

I have decided to share some small quotes that help describe how grief can debilitate ones life, I am sad and depressed and in constant pain but this does not mean i don’t keep trying.success

“He awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, happy. And during the course of each day his heart would descend from his chest into his stomach. By early afternoon he was overcome by the feeling that nothing was right, or nothing was right for him, and by the desire to be alone. By evening he was fulfilled: alone in the magnitude of his grief, alone in his aimless guilt, alone even in his loneliness. I am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over, I am not sad. As if he might one day convince himself. Or fool himself. Or convince others–the only thing worse than being sad is for others to know that you are sad. I am not sad. I am not sad. Because his life had unlimited potential for happiness, insofar as it was an empty white room. He would fall asleep with his heart at the foot of his bed, like some domesticated animal that was no part of him at all. And each morning he would wake with it again in the cupboard of his rib cage, having become a little heavier, a little weaker, but still pumping. And by the midafternoon he was again overcome with the desire to be somewhere else, someone else, someone else somewhere else. I am not sad.
― Jonathan Safran FoerEverything Is Illuminated

“The way sadness works is one of the strange riddles of the world. If you are stricken with a great sadness, you may feel as if you have been set aflame, not only because of the enormous pain, but also because your sadness may spread over your life, like smoke from an enormous fire. You might find it difficult to see anything but your own sadness, the way smoke can cover a landscape so that all anyone can see is black. You may find that if someone pours water all over you, you are damp and distracted, but not cured of your sadness, the way a fire department can douse a fire but never recover what has been burnt down.”
― Lemony SnicketThe Bad Beginning
“Depression is the most unpleasant thing I have ever experienced. . . . It is that absence of being able to envisage that you will ever be cheerful again. The absence of hope. That very deadened feeling, which is so very different from feeling sad. Sad hurts but it’s a healthy feeling. It is a necessary thing to feel. Depression is very different.”
― J.K. Rowling
“Don’t dwell on things. Don’t stay in one place too long. It was the only way to stay ahead of sadness.”
― Rick RiordanThe Lost Hero

Think before you speak

shut upOkay,  let me start out with I know generally people have good intentions, and good hearts. I just would like to say that after the death of my parents and daughter I have gained great wisdom in etiquette of things to not say to the grieving, no matter what peace it may bring you…. I actually had a lady tell me the other day that she totally understood my anguish…her son had just had his life ruined as well…And she explained that his third offense for drunk driving and jail time has devastated them….Seriously people! I looked at her and literally said ” Are you fucking kidding me”? His life is ruined?

PLease people try to remember this is about the person that is suffering! With that said here are my top ten things that in my opinion you do not say, Why?  Because it hurts!!!

1. At Least you had her for  16 Years

Really that was my plan 16 years of my child, no future dreams past that age.

2. What would Morgan want you to do?

Well I don’t know I can’t ask her she is dead

3. Everything is going to be OK!

Really, my future dreams have just been shattered!

4. God took her home!

Her home was with her family

5.  Its part of Gods plan!

Wow!!!!

6. At least you have other children!

This one deserves a lobotomy

7. There is a reason for everything!

Yes, just like there is a reason you opened your mouth and inserted your foot

8. At least she had a good life!

She didn’t even live, she didn’t get to graduate, she won’t get to go to college!  She will never get married, or have children!

9. I know how you feel? Because I lost someone

Do not compare your twice removed aunt jane who died peacefully in her sleep at the age of 91 to my beautiful daughter

10. She did what she came here to do and it was her time to go

Her time?  she was a baby still?

There are many more things that people say but I am sure from these ten you get the point.

Bucket List

Again I find myself back in the place where I am trying so hard to move forward and yet I continually get stopped in my tracks. I get up in the morning and think I am going to do something anything to feel better, and it just ends up turning into the same redundant day. I feel like I am in the movie Ground Hog day, i totally get that life as I knew it will never be the same! I know that finding a new normal and some joy in any one thing will be a battle for a long time  hell, maybe forever! So i keep plugging away, waking up knowing that i want to laugh again, I mean really laugh, to be able to smile and be happy again and to live!  I find myself feeling guilty for that,  how can I possibly enjoy life again with out Morgan?  I think I it has finally sunk in that losing her will hurt forever, and it has caused me to evolve into a different kind of me. My personality  is that of being some what OCD, for sure anal retentive and I have waved the white flag to the prospect that one cannot control and organize the grief process. We can just  try to coexists with it I surmise! For me it  feels like I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t!  If all the sudden I am having fun, I am not grieving or people  think I just am over it, I’m all better!  If I sit curled up in a heap, than people think I need to get on with life, I hear from people  “Morgan wouldn’t want you to live like that”!  It is so hard to get people to understand how stifling this type of grief is, and in the same breathe I don’t wish it on anyone so how can they possibly comprehend my lunacy.  For the last 11 and a half months the majority of my being has felt helpless, as if I were chained to the bottom of a well,  with no way out which honestly just fills me with so much anger not just the pain I continually endure. What I am learning about the new me is I am still just as stubborn and obstinate by nature and this perplexing conundrum   adds fuel to the fire of determination to continue to challenge myself  to get out of the well!  Its not going to just  to happen overnight it will be a matter of a baby step at a time with several falls along the way.

So here I go again on another portal one that throws caution to the wind and takes me out of my comfort zone I am going to be some what selfish!  I am going to try to quit worrying and caring what people think about how I should grieve!  I don’t mean this in a derogatory sense, but I am going to press on with the idea of YOLO, yes I said it, as illogical and even extreme as it may be?   Those that love and respect me will understand and support me because they know it is what it is! Its almost like being a teenager again, I am trying to identify my place in the world and my meaning.

I have had a bucket list for several years which my best friend and I vowed that we would do everything on our list! She has hers and I have mine and over the years when we travel we try to knock things off of them. We decided that if either of us was to not fulfill our goal due to some unforeseen tragedy the other would try to complete theirs for them as well as their own. I feel like Morgans death has been this unpredicted tribulation that halted my progress to challenge myself to finish this goal. I feel like I have become just existent really, pretty much stagnate. I decided to to strive to complete my list and do what I set out to do years ago. This may rekindle a spark of whom I use to be, at the very least it will give me a driving force to live instead of just being alive. I decided to start with something easy, and took something off my bucket list that was obtainable as to not give me a feeling of failure. I decided to buy a vehicle that is about me one which I have wanted most of my adult life, so I did and honestly it felt  damn good!  It feels refreshing to have something that represents the person i was before the storm. It felt good to just have something be about me! I decided to let go of the “Moe Mobile” almost like a cleansing, again more of the process. I need and want to remember Morgan, cherish her and love her, but I am learning that it does not have to be in the form of a shrine and its okay to do something that is about me.

The United States of “Miss Morgans Mom”

“The individual does actually carry on a double existence: one designed to serve his own purposes and another as a link in a chain, in which he serves individual against, or at any rate without, any volition of his own.”   – Sigmund Freud

Another week of feeling like I am bi-polar, I think I need an Alter! No, I know I need an alter, maybe two! The perfect Alter would be one where I am able to live as if I felt bulletproof, happy, and fun loving! An alter that has the personality of a teenager but the toughness to stay protected! I use to watch a show called the United States of Tara until it was canceled! It is quite intriguing  how people live with the illness of multiple personalities! Now to clarify, I have no knowledge of the real illness and am only relating my thoughts to this particular show! Tara’s alters were quite amusing, and the show was magnificent!  I wish I could be a combination of Buck and T until I work through this grieving process!  

How wonderful would it be for a person in pain from grief to be able to turn on a different personality for a while?  I really think science should create a pill that allows the brain, heart and soul to have a reprieve from the torment of this affliction! Instead of going into a week of depression you could step into an alter to protect you while you feel like jumping off a cliff or feel as if you could care less if you ever wake up again!!!  Okay I know this is not  the way to productively heal, but I am so damn exhausted from  all the emotions and thoughts and anger I’m just one person! I’m just saying! 

I was so exhausted all week i truly felt ill, to the point I thought I must be dying! I am sure with the one year anniversary of Morgans death and her 18th birthday within arms reach is adding to my already crippling malaise, but then comes the holidays. I really am unsure if I can do it, I am not sure how much I can take, honestly! Last year after Moe was killed, her birthday and the holidays were so hard, but we were in shock then!  Now I am barren and vulnerable! This is such a harrowing type of anticipation, knowing what is coming and being unable to  be primed for the outcome.

I would like to think that it will be tolerable, but I know it will be excruciating! This is why I may require  an alter, just to get me through the eye of the storm!  I really am pretty good with dealing with things, when I understand them, or know exactly what to expect! This unknown is enervating for every aspect of my being because the upcoming calamity  is inevitable! So if I seem a bit off kilter more than usual, please apply forbearance  with me, as it may actually be Buck!!!

Buck quoting John Wayne  

“Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway”