Chasing My Tail

It has been a long time since I have wrote on my blog. I have been working so much just to keep my mind clear and thought taking a step back from things would make the healing more easier. It has been 2 years 5 months and 2 days since Morgan was taken from me and contrary to popular belief it does not get easier. The pain is still there and it is hard to decipher if it changes anymore, it seems to become somewhat stagnate you just learn to live with the constant aching. I have said before that there is an immense difference between being alive and living. I still find that the demons lurk in the daylight as well in the darkness,  I can only compare this to a dark cloud that completely encompasses you and is your constant companion. No matter how much I throw myself into this farce of a life or self medicate or both at the end of the day there is still little hope of joy or a small glimpse of a ray of shining sun. Oddly enough the grieving parent has now become the disillusioned parent. You are like a dog that chases your tail, so determined, but no matter how hard you pursue, you never prevail. I get up, go to work, come home go to bed, try to sleep which still is a struggle, just to wake up and do it all over again.  I surmise that the mind set of chasing my tail could be presumed as a positive challenge in the sense that i am still hopeful, and still have enough determination  to continue with this wicked quest even though failure seems imminent.  Grief makes one do things that are sometimes just a sick form of mental mutilation similar to someone who cuts. You hurt so badly you become numb, so you cut to feel pain and bleed which reaffirms you are still alive. I do still crave and ponder the prospect that maybe i will learn to really live again. Until than I slowly travel with a feeling of cement bricks tied to my feet while trudging thru quick sand.

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Perfectly Imperfect

IMG_0697Grief is instrumental to the  metamorphous of person, as a whole. So many things change in your life when you lose some one you love. Although  no loss is an easy one, as personally I have lost my father, stepmother and grandparents.  Sadly as heart wrenching as their deaths were there is no comparison to how my life has changed with the loss of Morgan. There is no possible way to describe what this life altering event does to you, or prepare you for the process it takes to find a new normal, especially when the process is as individual as the experience it self. This is why i continue to share this undertaking, for understanding on every level. For myself to reflect on, for those who are in a similar predicament, as well as people who simply wish to understand more.

In my journey over the last 17 months or 5 days shy of 17 months I have found that the one place i feel somewhat normal is when i am with others like me. This could be in a virtual support group, or a friendship, or honestly a stranger with a similar story. It is so hard to feel like an oddity or only feel “Normal” whatever that is, when you are among other s that belong to this club which no body wants to be a member of. You only feel a like you are not abnormal because others for similar reasons now live with broken hope of what their dreams once were, because their world was as well obliterated. I suppose to feel  comfort and normalcy when you are with those who are just as fragmented is conventional in many facets. Its just so hypocritical, you do not wish anyone else to ever live in the hell you are in, you do not want anyone to have felt this pain,but yet you gravitate to those that do because they get it.

I can say that I am learning to process the fact that nothing will every be the same, it will always hurt, it will never  completely heal. I am finding that i have been able to laugh a little more than months ago, I cry a little less and slowly am learning to move back into trying to be functionally productive. This is not saying I am any better than I was during the early months, it is just saying that I am adjusting  to function with the pain. I still feel like I am in quick sand and still seems like a lot of the time the fight to get out is not worth the emotional and physical exhaustion. On those days, I generally drop back five and punt, maybe  just try to stay under the covers until i feel strong enough to fight a bit more, whatever it takes.

I do grasp a lot more now, the proverbial light bulb has gone off, i am always going to be broken! I will never be whole, kind of  like a puzzle missing a piece or I suppose like a tea cup that the handle breaks off and is glued back together, its weaker and never the same, but can function. So at this point in this wicked game this is where i am and quite honestly it is what it is! I have learned that at any given day in the process of grief, the battles you fight change from moment to moment. In the beginning i guess you are going through the traditional stages if you will. As time goes on and you graduate into new challenges, you find that the things that hurt now are things you could not have fathomed when it first happened. When you bury your child the pain and shock are so intense that no one could have possibly prepared you for it! So as  time goes you learn to progress through those stages, and you may find that in some ways you come to terms with the fact that your baby is gone and not coming back. Than you at some point start to climb out of the rabbit hole to see that the world and life as you knew it, now has a completely contrasting view with  incompatible meaning. You now identify with different goals, hopes and dreams, because the ones you had before  are now a mirage. The depth of these goals , hopes, and dreams, may be  as little as getting out of bed and making your bed one day or as extreme  changing a career.  The metamorphous of grief  reprograms you to keep the focus of the obtainable idea that you are only in need do the best that you can at a single moment, nothing more nothing less as well as embrace the idea of your new normal to be as being perfectly imperfect!

The United States of “Miss Morgans Mom”

“The individual does actually carry on a double existence: one designed to serve his own purposes and another as a link in a chain, in which he serves individual against, or at any rate without, any volition of his own.”   – Sigmund Freud

Another week of feeling like I am bi-polar, I think I need an Alter! No, I know I need an alter, maybe two! The perfect Alter would be one where I am able to live as if I felt bulletproof, happy, and fun loving! An alter that has the personality of a teenager but the toughness to stay protected! I use to watch a show called the United States of Tara until it was canceled! It is quite intriguing  how people live with the illness of multiple personalities! Now to clarify, I have no knowledge of the real illness and am only relating my thoughts to this particular show! Tara’s alters were quite amusing, and the show was magnificent!  I wish I could be a combination of Buck and T until I work through this grieving process!  

How wonderful would it be for a person in pain from grief to be able to turn on a different personality for a while?  I really think science should create a pill that allows the brain, heart and soul to have a reprieve from the torment of this affliction! Instead of going into a week of depression you could step into an alter to protect you while you feel like jumping off a cliff or feel as if you could care less if you ever wake up again!!!  Okay I know this is not  the way to productively heal, but I am so damn exhausted from  all the emotions and thoughts and anger I’m just one person! I’m just saying! 

I was so exhausted all week i truly felt ill, to the point I thought I must be dying! I am sure with the one year anniversary of Morgans death and her 18th birthday within arms reach is adding to my already crippling malaise, but then comes the holidays. I really am unsure if I can do it, I am not sure how much I can take, honestly! Last year after Moe was killed, her birthday and the holidays were so hard, but we were in shock then!  Now I am barren and vulnerable! This is such a harrowing type of anticipation, knowing what is coming and being unable to  be primed for the outcome.

I would like to think that it will be tolerable, but I know it will be excruciating! This is why I may require  an alter, just to get me through the eye of the storm!  I really am pretty good with dealing with things, when I understand them, or know exactly what to expect! This unknown is enervating for every aspect of my being because the upcoming calamity  is inevitable! So if I seem a bit off kilter more than usual, please apply forbearance  with me, as it may actually be Buck!!!

Buck quoting John Wayne  

“Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway”

The Truth, The Whole Truth, Nothing But The Truth!!! So Help Me God

I really hate the fact that I am left with no decision than to post some of the public records from the Lapeer County Police Report having to do with Morgans Death. I have been called a liar, I have been accused of slander and Libel!  I have had my share of several nasty e-mails and comments that have been posted either VIA Face Book and/or my Blog. I have had enough,!!!!  Our family has had enough!!!!!! I am enclosing a couple comments from one of my fans.

imisscodyolmsteadrealmenwearpink06@yahoo.com66.188.17.174Submitted on 2012/09/26 at 9:05 pm

this was not written by sandy (codys mom), joey has to live with the fact that even though he tried that night, he couldnt save morgan, both tox reports from the hospitals say cody wasnt drunk… im so sorry you lost your daughter but its not right to trash talk sandy or joey (especially joey) also that comment is on “frustration” because thats the one I sent her the link to. you didnt know cody, he would NEVER hurt anyone all he ever wanted was to have fun and make people laugh, he didnt intentionally go out and do this. he didnt wake up that morning thinking “hmm. im gonna go out tonight, run a stop sign a kill someone” cody was a great kid, sandy is in just as much pain that her BABY BOY is gone and nothing anyone does is going to change the fact that neither of your lives will ever be the same again…

IMissCodyStevenOlmsteadrealmenwearpink06@yahoo.com50.124.56.131Submitted on 2012/09/28 at 12:28 am

there was NO ALCOHOL detected on either tox screen from the hospitals the night this happened. How dare you trash talk sandy (codys mom) or joey (especially joey) joey has to live with the fact that even though he tried that night, he couldnt save morgan. its not his fault she died. yeah cody ran the stop sign but he wasnt drunk, cody was oneof the sweetest people you couldve met, he never would have intentionally hurt someone all he ever wanted to do was have fun and make people laugh, he didnt wake up that morning thinking “hmm, im gonna go out tonight, run a stop sign, kill myself and someone else.” he wasnt like that this was an ACCIDENT and codys mom does know what youre going through deb, she also buried her baby. im sorry you lost your daughter but im so very pissed that you feel the need to lash out at sandy a person who you dont know and say shes a bad mother which she very much is not! and lashing out at the person who tried so hard to save your daughter is jacked up! nothing you do is going to change the fact that morgan and cody are both gone, nothing is going to make it right and its never going to stop hurting im sure, youre just going to have to find a way to live with it and go on. also that comment was posted on “frustration” because that is the one i sent her the link to.

 For once and All here is your proof you have all been begging for:

These are the Toxicology  reports from the accident. So no one can accuse me of being unfair I posted Morgans as well. Now keep in mind that this level was taken after a warrant was obtained to take an alcohol sample from Cody. We all know that warrants take some time to obtain.

So for kicks lets just pretend it took 2.5 hrs to obtain a sample  due to the fact a warrant had to be gotten. Here is a link that explains how the alcohol level drops in the blood please feel free to reference this:

Alcohol is removed from the bloodstream by the liver at a relatively constant rate of 15 mg% (.015%) every hour or 1 drink per hour.

A person with a blood alcohol concentration of .08% takes more than 5 hours to become completely sober. http://chavesdwiprogram.us/pdf/Effects%20of%20Alcohol%20Intoxication.pdf

so if the lets pretend game was accurate than the level would have been closer to 0.11 but it doesn’t say that so we won’t pretend that this is just an educated  theory. But we do know for a fact after reading this report that it was 0.08 for Cody. I also have the toxicology reports for the marijuana in Cody’s system, but i will spare everyone from that unless you would also like to view it. Like I have said before this is all public record!

I would truly prefer to stop now with this as it makes me physically and emotionally ill to re-read how my daughter was burnt beyond recognition!  But hey kids will be kids, just out having a good time!!!!  I know there are still some non-believers out there who cannot quite get enough of this horrific event, so as not to disappoint anyone,  I will also add on a bit of that actual police report as well (AGAIN PUBLIC RECORD)! 

 



Doing The Right Thing

I got this comment today from the mother of the young man that was passenger in the vehicle that killed my daughter. It confuses me why this comment was put on the blog entitled Frustration. I thought I would share this letter and hope that some of you can help me to understand why it angers me so and if it is right to be angry?

This was her comment:

First of all my heart goes out to, I feel your pain..
I want to also say my son is not a murder either.. The first thing he did after the accident happened he ran out to try and save your daughter, unfortunately he was unsuccessful. He was there and had to see the whole thing unfold in front of him (just imagine how he feels about it). He was at the wrong place at the wrong time, he was not driving, he was not in CONTROL of the VEHICLE, the same thing would have happened whether he was with Cody or not.. Those boys did not go out to deliberately kill anybody, that is the difference between killing somebody with a gun and driving a car and this is why there is automobile insurance for this. I would like to ask you one question, where you ever a kid? Kids do stupid things in life, its part of growing up, learning from mistakes and not doing them again , yes that’s growing up. However in this case it took two beautiful lives in which I’m deeply sadden by it. I lost my mother when I was 15 years old unexpectedly by the fault of the doctor in the operating room, I just wanted to kill the doctor that messed up on my mother (the whole thing made no sense to me why did she have to die)??!! I never really got totally over with that even to this day, I just learn to live with it.. I started going to church after that happened and it came to me that GOD has a plan for everybody on earth and in heaven, it wasn’t really the doctor that made a mistake that killed my mother it was GOD who took her away.
After I heard that in church from the Father, it was then I was at ease. I know this will not bring Morgan or Cody back and it wasn’t my intention to do so but maybe help you with some answers to help comfort you.
Sincerely,
Jordan DiVitto

DO THE RIGHT THING!

How is it she can feel my pain?  Her son is still alive! It was said her son was an accomplice to the murder, not the one who pulled the trigger. He was in the wrong place at the wrong time? Really? He knowingly got into the vehicle!  He knew he had consumed alcohol and marijuana!  He knew the driver consumed alcohol and marijuana!  They were both underage? He did nothing to prevent the driver from driving, he could have said no we cannot drive, or chose to not ride with the driver. I was literally taken off guard when she asked if I was young and did stupid things….My Gosh didn’t we all!  But did I drink and drive and kill someone? NO!!!  How is this even relevant? The bottom line is “Accountability” If this young man feels as badly as he says than why does he not do the right thing?  Say I messed up, say I am sorry?  There has been a 25,000 reward put up for any information for where the boys got the alcohol that night!  My question to this mother and her son, is why not right the wrong?  Do the right thing, give the information necessary to receive the reward money!  It would make her son feel like although he could not save Morgan that night, he could maybe prevent it from happening again and also proving he has remorse. Part of growing up is learning to be accountable for our actions!  Fixing what we can so we can learn and not do it again.  How can we learn from our mistakes if there is no consequences?  The bottom line is her son cannot ever get in any trouble, he is a minor, he can not be charged with anything nor be penalized?  But he can help to fix what happen for all parties involved, by stepping up and tell how, why, where, and who!

Justice

With the death of my baby girl comes immense pain that paralyzes every aspect of my life. Nothing can change what has happened nor can anything bring her back. My life has become that of stagnation!  I have lost so much zest for everything in my world of existence, I strive to stay afloat for my two surviving sons and my grandson, as well as the people who are in my life. How does one learn to live, to flourish, to have dreams and a future when they feel like so much of that has been taken away? Anyone that goes through some kind of tragedy holds on to memories and struggles to find hope. Every individual handles their grief and pain in different ways. I have learned a golden rule in all of this, no one needs the exact same thing to carry on and that when it comes to death of someone you love there are no rules in how one chooses to try to move forward!

I cannot speak for anyone else but myself when i say for me the only thing that may help me to begin to survival is some answers. I have so many questions about my daughters death and all the events that transpired that night. I need answers, being a logical person i understand that some answers are not in my control. I have also learned that there is no control in life, no guarantees!  I personally know for my own well being that getting what answers i can is the only way to help with that closure, filling the  voids i have about that night.

I know that her death could have been avoided. I know that the act that ended her life was preventable. I know that many could have stopped the individual from driving that night after drinking, and no one did. I know that the individual was too young to purchase the alcohol on his own and had to have gotten it from someone. I am not pointing fingers at anyone specific, but i want answers!!!  I deserve answers! The facts are that every bit of  documented evidence from that night are in black and white. I want to heal, i want all the families involved to heal, but no one can truly do that without the truth.

A reward has been offered in an effort to have someone step forward to answer some of these questions, to help  at the very least right a little of the wrong. The objective is to stop this from happening to someone else! Everyone involved is being hurt both families lost someone precious to them, no one wins. But finding the contributors to the event can help for people to accept their accountability for their actions.

With this reward that has been offered, I have been accused of horrible things such as trying to make money off of my daughters death, that idea is not only sick, and unwarranted it is just plain ignorant!!!  How is it I can gain in a monetary way?  I have lost so much, had to sell and move away from the house that held so many memories that i could not bare to live with on a daily basis. I have had to quit two jobs in the past ten months because my emotional, and physical state is so destroyed. Our family has started a scholarship in our daughters memory  this is capitalizing  on my daughters death, How is that?  No amount of money could ever help to heal our family, but justice can! I just want someone to do the right thing and take responsibility for the carnage they have facilitated in leaving for everyone that loved Morgan. I just want to learn to live again, in a world that i will never know as normal.

My father and step-mother were killed by a drunk driver seven years prior to my daughter being killed. I did nothing proactive, back than to right the wrong, Yes I spoke at SADD  and other events to try and help of awareness, but never tried to find the answers to why it happened. So in an eight year span another member of my family is killed by a drunk driver, how many family members do I have to lose before I stand up for myself and other families to make someone accountable. Maybe than people will realize there are consequences to their actions for taking a life in this manner.

Say what you will about how I go about justice! I will not stand by and let another one of my loved ones be taken away from me from drinking and driving. I will not stand by and let anyones  family member die in vain!