I have seen better Days!!

fml-i-dont-know-like-sorry-text-Favim.com-363799Tomorrow I try once again to join the real world, as much as this is not my choice. I would much rather live like a gypsy and try to find the strength to find my way out of my darkness, and find my new normal. I walked away from my good paying job six months after Morgan was stolen from my life, I worked another job months after that, which i really enjoyed but found my emotional state was so unstable. I would be fine for a while and than something would set me off and I was unable to keep my composure. Its ironic to me that grief is not a medical condition as it is so debilitating, chronic, and unpredictable!  There is no cure, no quick fix, and it has vast effects on each individual! For me, it has been a life sentence!  It has changed me to the point, I have little interest in much! I have intermittent moments of steady weeks as well as momentary joy, and yet still have more of uncontrollable anguish! Little things that would not shake the average person, cripple me.

Financially I have no choice at this point to step back into the work force, I have an interview tomorrow and although I am so intrigued of the prospect of a new endeavor. I cannot find the excitement I need to prosper in it, its a survival thing! I have to do it if I want to remain with a roof over my head, but know it will not allow me to live, just exist. Maybe it is what it is as for the last 19 months, that is all I have done anyway! I ponder if I will ever truly find joy in anything again? I wish I had enough money to just float, and search for what my purpose is, but unfortunately I am not able to do that. Sometimes I get so pissed at people who are financially independent  and are so ungrateful!  Athletes, movie stars, performers for example make more money in one month than I could spend in a life time!…..I am not feeling sorry for myself, It just infuriates me that someone else chose this life for me….I heard yesterday from someone again, there must be a reason for Morgans death….I am so F#$cking tired of peoples ignorance!!!  I wanted to take their head in my hands and shake it till it fell off and than say “Well there is a reason for this?”

demotivation.us_PEOPLE-SAY-THAT-EVERYTHING-HAPPENS-FOR-A-REASON-So-next-time-I-hit-you-remember-that-I-had-a-reason_134251773581

Here is a reason my life is the way it is!!!  Two Kids  were given free will to be able to make stupid decisions, the parents involved were given free will to contribute and enable these two boys choices. The parents of some of the kids involved who were not in the accident were responsible for purchasing the alcohol for these delinquents to party. Honestly it would have been acceptable for this to happen, if  all the parents involved did not have their heads not up their asses and they made good choices to keep them home where they would not hurt anyone else or themselves.  So although the boys involved made dumb choices, their parents and the parents who bought the alcohol are the reason my daughter was murdered. These parents now can live with the fact that they murdered my daughter and caused the death of another…

So now, as they go about their merry way and continue the same patterns because they have obviously have not learned anything from their ignorance, I have to try to find a way to financially survive, while I am still in more pain than I ever imagined. I just for the life of me do not understand, why me and my family has to continually be punished for others choices. I hope for the strength to obtain this job tomorrow as well as keep on going with it…I am just struggling to find the power to be positive.

I tend to identify my feelings with music, because it reaches the deadness with in me, this song is how I feel and validates my writings today, some may say I need to move on, some may say I need to get over it but grief does not allow it to be so easy, I hope and pray that no one understands this despair, and for those that do. Keep on, Keeping on, you are maybe a select few but not alone, and my blog is for all of us.

days

It goes a little something like this

In my shoes my toes are busted,
My kitchen says my bread is molded,
I got a good job at the dollar store,
One foot in the hole, one foot gettin’ deeper,
with a broken mirror and a blown out speaker
And I ain’t got much else to lose.
I’m faded, flat busted;
I’ve been jaded I’ve been dusted.
I know that I’ve seen better days.
One foot in the hole, one foot gettin’ deeper,
Crank it to eleven, blow another speaker and
I ain’t got, I ain’t got much to loose
‘Cause

I’ve seen better days I’ve been star of many plays
I’ve seen better days and the bottom drops out.
I’ve seen better days I’ve been star of many plays
I’ve seen better days and the bottom drops out.

Now My cup’s filled up with five buck wine
I find myself here all the time
Another rip in the glass another chip in my tooth
Rained on I’ve been stained on
Found another goat I tried to put the blame on
And now I’m steppin on all the cracks
So I guess there ain’t no use
‘Cause

I’ve seen better days I’ve been star of many plays
I’ve seen better days and the bottom drops out.
I’ve seen better days I’ve been star of many plays
I’ve seen better days and the bottom drops out.

Woman: “Do you like my gucci bag?”

That’s beautiful, beautiful
Check it check it check it out,

I’m bent like glass second hand like glory,
Missed the bus but I’m in no hurry,
Molasses fast no business born,
One foot in the hole, one foot getting deeper,
Crank it to eleven, blow another speaker and
I aint got i aint got much to lose
‘Cause

I’ve seen better days I’ve been star of many plays
I’ve seen better days and the bottom drops out.
I’ve seen better days I’ve been star of many plays
I’ve seen better days,
I’ve seen better days,
I know that i’ve seen better days,
(the bottom drops out)
I’ve been the star, of so many plays,
(and the bottom drops out)
Walked on the edge with that hobo way.
(the bottom drops out)
‘Cause I know I know that I’ve seen better days
(and the bottom drops out)

Now I’m real thirsty…

(Sublime)

Finding Beauty in Pain

I went to California on the first of this month, spending time with family and relaxing to the sound of the ocean, it is wonderful how therapeutic the ocean is for me. It gives me a sense of momentary peace and tranquility. Upon my return I felt rejuvenated as if my life for a moment was normal, the old normal. The first day I got home, I immediately felt angry, withdrawn, as well as the cloud of hopelessness returned. It is like being in the middle of a movie that you are so enthralled with that you can hardly  contain your excitement and than the movie pauses!

A few weeks back, I had ran into someone that said to me so you are all better now, and instead of explaining it doesn’t work that way when you lose a child I just smiled and said doing fine. I am better in so many ways, I find that my moments of bursts of energy to start a functional life are more common. But I am not okay, I am very numb and emotionless which quite frankly is not living with a  good quality of life. I just know that it is easier to not analyze the stages and phases anymore, rather just go with them. I have needed and craved a good cry for weeks now, not random teary moments, but a good cry, and yet I cannot!

Losing a child is the hardest thing that one can go through in my opinion, it lasting effects and pain, doesn’t ever go away. I was sitting at the park the other day by the water, just embracing the calm sound of  water running, when a limo pulled up and kids going to prom emerged to take pictures by the river. At first glance a girl in a bright pink dress was my Morgan, which turned into tears when i realized it was just hopefulness in my heart and mind to see her again. Things like that instance continue to trigger pain, as the things that bring “Normal” people joy turn the knife a little deeper in my heart.

As I look back at the first year with out Morgan, i see that my grief revolved around the accident and her death as well as justice! Well the biggest thing that has changed since than is I cannot change that the accident could have been prevented because no body stopped them! I cannot change that she is gone, because she is!  I cannot find justice for my Beautiful angel, because the people involved are spineless people with no moral compass, or conscious!  So now half way into the second year my struggle consist of  accepting that i have to live without her forever, facing that all the dreams for her and our families future have  been shattered. It is a whole new battle and really is so hard, such a different way that the emotions are displayed from how they did the first year. I feel like the first year at least I could express my grief, through tears, or depression, or how ever my emotions manifested. Now it is like i am floating waiting for my life to continue, and it seems as if peoples view is that I should be miraculously healed. There is no magic faith healer to chase away the grueling pain, I guess i just need people to understand, I am functioning without some times with no purpose, but functioning. I am not okay, I am different and require patience and understanding!

I think if I can find one thing once in a while that lets me smile, than i realize there is hope for some day to be able to be okay again, yesterday was my smile for the week!  My dear friend and one of Morgans dear friend and I revitalized her resting place, it was wonderfully hard work. It felt good to sweat and put physical energy into making something that is visually torture, into something of beauty. It is so ironic that you can find beauty within the pain!  I felt accomplished when we left the cemetery and saw how loved she is and always will be!

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Perplexing Point to Ponder


fate

 Fate
1. The supposed force, principle, or power that predetermines events.
2. The inevitable events predestined by this force.
3. A final result or consequence; an outcome.
4. Unfavorable destiny; doom.

 

Destiny

1. The inevitable or necessary fate to which a particular person or thing is destined; one’s lot.
2. A predetermined course of events considered as something beyond human power or control: “Marriage and hanging go by destiny” (Robert Burton).
3. The power or agency thought to predetermine events: Destiny brought them together.

Who can tell us what our Fate is? 
Who can tell us what our Destiny is? 
Fate. Destiny. 
People say we cannot choose our Fate, but we can choose our Destiny. 
People say we are Fated or Destined to do/become something. 
Fate. Destiny. 
Are they different? 
Are they the same? 
People say we can choose Destiny and we are Fated to do it. 
People say that our Destiny is open, but our Fate is sealed. 
Are Fate and Destiny the same? 
If our Destiny has yet to be chosen but our Fate is sealed, then is not our Destiny already chosen, but unseen to us until the opportune moment? 
Fate. Destiny. 
When is the opportune moment? 
At what point in our life will our Fate and Destiny be revealed? 
Or will we realize what our Fate and Destiny are only when it is too late? 
Or will we pass our Fate and Destiny without knowing it? 
Fate. Destiny. 
If someone tells us what our Fate and Destiny are, will we like what we hear? 
Or will you strive against the path set before you?

Robert Grimes :

Although often used interchangeably, the words “Fate” and “Destiny” have distinct connotations.

  • Traditional usage defines fate as a power or agency that predetermines and orders the course of events. Fate defines events as ordered or “inevitable” and unavoidable.
  • Destiny is used with regard to the finality of events as they have worked themselves out; and to that same sense of “destination”, projected into the future to become the flow of events as they will work themselves out.

“fate” relates to events of the future and present of an individual and in cases in literature unalterable, whereas “destiny” relates to the probable future. Fate implies no choice, but with destiny the entity participates in achieving an outcome that is directly related to itself. Participation happens willfully.

In other words my daughters fate was decided by someone elses choice for their own inevitable destiny!

 So how does one now choose their own fate? Possibly to change their own Destiny!  

The Eyes Have It!

LIfe lessons are something i am continually learning about, i have gained the knowledge of the old adage not to judge a book by its cover. Since losing Morgan, I have become so much more patient, I now tend to look past flaws in life and people, that maybe i wouldn’t have before. Being a part of the club no body wants to be a member of has taken its toll, not just on me, but every one who is an associate with this horrible society. I notice things that I did not notice before or maybe i noticed but did not understand….In the past, if I walked into a store and the clerk was being miserable and unhelpful, before i may have gotten an attitude with them, but now i tend to look into their eyes and wonder. I wonder what pain they may be living with? What story do their eyes tell, or hide? I have come to an understanding that the broken hearted in this club have lost a spark that they will never have again. Not that they won’t ever find a place where they can be happy, but that they will never be whole.
The eyes are often thought of as ‘the windows of the soul’. The soul of parents in grief  have been forever changed, and it shows in their eyes. I see this when I look in the mirror, i see that a part of my soul has died along with My Morgan. I see this in others eyes as well, who are suffering from the same anguish.eyes

Our eyes tell the story of tortured souls of all kinds, people who are angry and are perceived as being down right mean may be just suffering from some kind of pain. We are always told to be kind to people because we don’t know where they have been and what they have been through, I personally have not always considered this and now i do. It actually is a good thing that I am coming to an understanding of how much human pain can cause a person to change, I wish it didn’t come to this point because of Morgans death, But this is a fact that cannot be ignored.

life is short and people have pasts as well as pain. Learning to move forward doesn’t always mean healing or beating the demons.  Life is short, every breath is a gift what we  should do with that gift is to give it back with patience and understanding as well as tolerance. Nickelbacks lyrics are powerful yet simple ”

“Each day’s a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride”

This is the way we should look at life, but in order to achieve this we must find the tolerance  within ourselves to see that there may be more of a reason some one is on their current path.  Next time someone has gotten you to the point that you are ready to blow, or you decide that a homeless person on the street should be deemed as a bum, whatever the situation, try to  look into their eyes, look past your assumptions. If you can do this you may be able to not just see but look  to their tortured soul. I know this may seem to be a feat that is not feasible, but the point is just step back from the situation and think, there may be more to their story.

There is no limit to ones time for Grief

broken heart

When someone is grieving i believe in my heart that many if not all outsiders have the best intentions to help I truly do, but understandably  they have no real concept  on how long and how often the mourning need support or just understanding. People that lose loved ones, I have come to find that there is no limit to the time it takes for each individual to find their new normal. I think that sometimes when people view the lives of the sorrowful, they think that the person or people grieving should have come to terms with their loss after a certain amount of time. I have found  this not to be true, I have sadly gained the knowledge that every moment to everyday is different. It is so hard to help people understand that we need to grieve as long as it may take. We all seem to have our own way to do this, whether it is to submerse our time into our work so that our mind has little time to feel the pain, or that we become some what of a recluse trying to understand our torture. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, there are no rules.  I personally try to battle the pain by writing my feelings at that moment. I think some may not understand and my God am I thankful for that because I would not wish this on anyone.

It is so important to me to put out there that when you see someone struggling and they may seem as if their path is destructive, it might not always be as it seems, sometimes we must  look outside the box! This is  because anyone who is grieving that keeps having emotions whether negative or positive has not given up the fight. I cannot identify my grief with anyones else, I have learned to accept the death of my father and step mother and although it still hurts, I have learned to move forward. I have found that burying a child is a completely different kind of grief for me anyway. I am moving forward, I am fighting to become a new normal.   I have found that  not just me but all other parents who are trying to win the fight are on this similar  path and they may feel like there is no end, keep fighting.

I want to post this link for those that may be fighting this fight to maybe offer support that you are not alone. I also want to post this for people who may just want to understand some of the process grieving parents may be going through. I am also posting some writings from this site that have heart felt meaning to me.

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Grieving-Mothers/162680380444494

no limitDear Clueless

I would like to share with you my pain but that isn’t possible unless you have lost a child yourself and that I wouldn’t want you to have to experience. So with that being said, I would like to say this. I will try to my best to understand you if you try to understand me. I lost my child. My life will never be the same. I will never be the same again. I will be different from now on. I no longer have the same feelings about anything. Everything in my life has changed from the moment my child left to go to heaven. I will, on some days be very sad and nothing you say will changes that so don’t feel like it is your job to make me feel better on those days, just allow me to be where I am.
When you lose a child you not only lose your reason for living, you lose the motivation to go on. You also lose your sense of self. It takes a long time to come to some kind of understanding for why this has happened, if ever. Of course we who have lost children know we have to go on but we don’t want to hear someone else tell us too. Especially from someone who has not lost a child. It makes me and anyone who has lost a child want to say who are you to tell me that? Did you bury your child? I don’t want this to sound like I don’t appreciate everything you say because I know you mean well, but I just want you to appreciate where I am coming from too. I want you to understand that some of the things you say hurt me and others like me without you really knowing it. I know it must be pretty hard to talk to people like myself, not knowing what to say. That is why I am writing this letter.
If you don’t know what to say, say nothing or just say I’m sorry. That always works for me. If you want to talk and say my child’s name feel free I would love to hear her name anytime. You not saying her name didn’t make me forget it, or what happened to her. So by all means say her name. When special dates come or holidays come please forgive me if I’m not myself. I just can’t keep it up on those days. I may wish to be by myself so I can think about my child without putting on a front. Most of all I want you to know I’m having a hard time with the death of my child and I am trying my very best to get back into life again. Some days it may look like I have accomplished that, and other days like I am at square one.
This will happen the rest of my life periodically. There are just no words to explain the living hell this feels like. There are no words that could ever do it justice. So please bear with me and give me time and don’t put your own timetable on my grief and let me be the person I am now and not have to live up to the person you think I should be. Allow me my space and time and accept me for me. I will try my best to understand you.
Love, Your Friend in Grief

forward

Think before you speak

shut upOkay,  let me start out with I know generally people have good intentions, and good hearts. I just would like to say that after the death of my parents and daughter I have gained great wisdom in etiquette of things to not say to the grieving, no matter what peace it may bring you…. I actually had a lady tell me the other day that she totally understood my anguish…her son had just had his life ruined as well…And she explained that his third offense for drunk driving and jail time has devastated them….Seriously people! I looked at her and literally said ” Are you fucking kidding me”? His life is ruined?

PLease people try to remember this is about the person that is suffering! With that said here are my top ten things that in my opinion you do not say, Why?  Because it hurts!!!

1. At Least you had her for  16 Years

Really that was my plan 16 years of my child, no future dreams past that age.

2. What would Morgan want you to do?

Well I don’t know I can’t ask her she is dead

3. Everything is going to be OK!

Really, my future dreams have just been shattered!

4. God took her home!

Her home was with her family

5.  Its part of Gods plan!

Wow!!!!

6. At least you have other children!

This one deserves a lobotomy

7. There is a reason for everything!

Yes, just like there is a reason you opened your mouth and inserted your foot

8. At least she had a good life!

She didn’t even live, she didn’t get to graduate, she won’t get to go to college!  She will never get married, or have children!

9. I know how you feel? Because I lost someone

Do not compare your twice removed aunt jane who died peacefully in her sleep at the age of 91 to my beautiful daughter

10. She did what she came here to do and it was her time to go

Her time?  she was a baby still?

There are many more things that people say but I am sure from these ten you get the point.

Why God?

This is a subject, I have wanted to avoid because I know it may offend some or cause extreme debate. It may make people feel differently about me, but I feel the need to finally address my concerns and opinions! I am opening a disclaimer that I am not looking to distress anyone, in fact just want to acknowledge that I am human and am again questioning life.  With that said, the horrifying tragedy of events in Connecticut has prompted me to again question my beliefs in God. Yes I said it, I was raised with Christian beliefs as well as raised my children the same.

After Morgans death, I became lets just say suddenly somewhat agnostic. How is it our God would allow my daughter to die the way she did, suffer the way she did? One may argue that it was not a higher power but free will of the boys who I have often described as the proverbial loaded gun. One could also argue that he being the gun was loaded by people who will never be accountable for pulling back the trigger. So I get free will, but why is it that Our God did not just let the responsible party kill himself without ruining the life of my daughter and our entire families life.

The disturbing and heart wrenching  catastrophe in Connecticut is just another thing that shakes my beliefs. I saw the following  posting on Facebook! This did not happen because God is not allowed in our schools! This happened because an insane lunatic decided to ruin the lives of many in this community.God

There is no excuse for this kind of thing! These children had their entire lives ahead of them, their families had dreams of bright futures for their loved ones. I just need to understand how God would allow this to happen! Please do not tell me their journey here was done! Please do not tell me that these children they are in a better place!  Please do not tell me it was their time!  These are some of the things people said to me when Morgan died!  These parents have just had their lives ripped apart with the murder of their children, although I can only surmise, I would have to say these families would beg to differ of the above theories, if they were told these things. God fearing people or not!

I want to stay strong in faith, I want to believe in our higher power, but calamities such as this sure makes it hard to entrust in religious conviction. I hope some day I find myself without doubts, but as of right now, I do not understand and I remain humbled once again for how quickly life can be taken away as well feeling helpless for these families that have just been thrust into a living hell.

My heart is so heavy for these families, their community, as well as all who is touched by these events.

The Law of Moral Causation

“All living beings have actions as their own, their inheritance, their congenital cause, their kinsman, their refuge. It is Karma that differentiates beings into low and high states.”

There is a difference from making a mistake and being ignorant with no respect for anyone else’s life! Throughout ones life we must make mistakes, without a doubt we inadvertently will hurt and/or let people down in our journey of growth. This does not constitute the act of malice, and lack of remorse. A mistake is something we feel badly about and own up by being accountable and accepting the repercussions. Life lessons are a defining determination of change in ones life and directs transition of their future.   I believe that we as humans are suppose to make errors in judgements as well as our actions in order to effectively  evolve!  We make mistakes to learn!  We accept the change by being corrected or disciplined for our wrong doing. We take what we learn and we use it to become more positive and productive beings. When we don’t change our patterns that our failures have taught us, than we continue to channel our life into a direction of destruction. We need fallout to grow just as we need to accept the consequences accordingly. Do the choices we make in our lives decide our fate? Of course they do, our failures are a stepping stone to build a path of which direction we choose to travel. So the question is, if the Law of Moral Causation is established by our actions why are our positive changes not rewarded but to the contrary penalized?  Why do the good people continue to have bad things happen to them? Why do the substandard individuals who refuse to follow the criteria and conform to the normal process get a rewarded with no penalty?

Yesterday my thoughts were validated as I saw first hand exactly how our judicial system enables as well as encourages  second rate people to continue with their unproductive life because they refuse to be accountable for their actions.  I sat in a courtroom and watched a family who’s life has been  shattered by someone else’s preventable negligence. Their son was killed, by an individual who made a poor choice, she chose to drive a car at a high rate of speed while texting and rear ended and took the life of an innocent young man. This is not a mistake! This was a informed choice! This is not a case of  being uneducated to that this is unacceptable, but more accurately mental retardation as well as not caring about anyone else’s well being! This person had the knowledge which could have not only prevented the death of this individual, but would not have left his family in an emotional imprisonment for the rest of their lives. For two and a half years this family has been living in hell, constant pain and anger, and grief. The driver of the vehicle was found guilty of manslaughter and yet got a slap on the wrist  of just probation, while the family of this young man will serve a life sentence.

How does this individual learn from what she did, when she is not punished? Probation is not punishment, its being grounded. Being punished would be to be made to feel a sense of loss that would give a small perception of what her victims family will feel for the rest of their lives. She should serve the maximum of two years in jail, yes she should have to be away from her children just to have the slightest inclining what it feels like to live without her child for a period of time. The difference is for her the time away is temporary as well as minimal.  I was sitting in the court room in tears listening to my friend, the young mans mother pour her heart out to the judge begging for him to take the correct action of punishment, she explained that the events that happened on that day have forever reshaped their lives and the importance of justice being served!

As I listened to the judge hand out a slap on the wrist to this young women, who by the way never even showed remorse let alone apologize to the family, I became enraged! I thought about how Morgans death would never be vindicated, our family would never at the very least get an apology. Justice would fail us as well. I thought about the other families out there who have suffered and will continue to suffer without ever feeling any sense of closure because they were as well failed and disappointed  by the  legal system! It has become painfully obviously to me that is not about being innocent until proven guilty is more like being found guilty they are still above the law.

It is sickening, and is making good people lose hope for justice! Would you like to know why normal everyday good people go off the deep end, and do horrible things? I will be happy to enlighten you with the most logical of answers, they are fed up with the fact that they are constantly being forsaken by those that should protect them.  If the judicial system continues to not protect us by correctly punishing these people, they will never learn hence they will never stop. Giving free passes to the ones committing these crimes, will not break the cycle on their destruction. It will eventually make the people that deserved as well as are entitled to be safeguarded from these travesties lose all faith in the legal system, as well as force them into a mode of survival. This will lead to a state of civil war in a sense, people will no longer fear the law because they will live by example that there are no consequences.  Keep allowing the ones that are committing these unspeakable acts to walk away without substantial ramifications, keep showing these simple minded people that there will be little to no reverberations and they can do whatever the hell they want!   If we cannot count on the law to to properly and efficiently do their job eventually people will have no choice but to protect themselves by taking the law in to their own hands! It is already happening as we see many Americans spiral out of control out of sheer desperation! Karma, I’m just saying.

Dreams

Again another day that I am consumed with pain and feel so depressed! Stuck in this weird existence of the person i knew!

I keep hearing the lyrics to “Dreams I’ll Never See”

Just one more morning
I had to wake up with the blues

Pulled myself out of bed
Put on my walking shoes
Climbed up on the hilltop, baby
To see what I could see
The whole world was falling down
Right down in front of me

‘Cause I’m hung up on my dreams
I’m never gonna see
Lord help me, babe
Dreams got the best of me

Pull myself together
Gonna put on a new face
Climb down from the hilltop baby

And get back in the race

‘Cause I’ve got dreams
I’ve got my dreams to remember
I’ve got dreams

I’m hung up on my dreams
I’m never gonna see

I am trying so hard to beat this, beat this feeling! Somewhere deep down inside of me is the positive person, who looked at the world with intrigue and purpose! The dreamer and a doer, the person who wanted to explore and challenge myself in ways that almost set me up for disappointment because the victory was sweeter and more accomplished. After Morgan was taken away from me it took away so many of my hopes and dreams. I also became something i never thought i would be and that is empty, directionless, and stagnate! I feel like I am constantly letting my sons down because i have no strength to be the mom I use to be!

The rational side of me knows that to press on is paramount and now I find myself with a new challenge! A pursuit to become similar to the  way I used to be. This blog has had its criticism, understandably because it is not always on a upbeat positive note, as well as vocalizes things that many would not want to become vocal, but it is a supreme tool for me to start to heal. I am learning through therapy, and support from others that you must embrace the pain, the feelings, and all that comes with it, in order to learn to deal with it! I am focusing on things I need, like it or not it is about me right now!  So this i know I need closure, I need answers, I need justice and at some point need to find a new normal! I also need to grieve dammit! I don’t know how this works there are no freaking rules I never dreamt i would be in this place! I also know I won’t ever be the same as I was so deal with it! But here is the positive I do want to be that person again,  even a wavering light of the person I used to be!

It has been 10 months, 14 days, approximately 17 hrs since I have become this person! I was the other way for 43 years! So looking at it that way gives me hopes that someday in the future i will revert to the old habits if you will!

The Truth, The Whole Truth, Nothing But The Truth!!! So Help Me God

I really hate the fact that I am left with no decision than to post some of the public records from the Lapeer County Police Report having to do with Morgans Death. I have been called a liar, I have been accused of slander and Libel!  I have had my share of several nasty e-mails and comments that have been posted either VIA Face Book and/or my Blog. I have had enough,!!!!  Our family has had enough!!!!!! I am enclosing a couple comments from one of my fans.

imisscodyolmsteadrealmenwearpink06@yahoo.com66.188.17.174Submitted on 2012/09/26 at 9:05 pm

this was not written by sandy (codys mom), joey has to live with the fact that even though he tried that night, he couldnt save morgan, both tox reports from the hospitals say cody wasnt drunk… im so sorry you lost your daughter but its not right to trash talk sandy or joey (especially joey) also that comment is on “frustration” because thats the one I sent her the link to. you didnt know cody, he would NEVER hurt anyone all he ever wanted was to have fun and make people laugh, he didnt intentionally go out and do this. he didnt wake up that morning thinking “hmm. im gonna go out tonight, run a stop sign a kill someone” cody was a great kid, sandy is in just as much pain that her BABY BOY is gone and nothing anyone does is going to change the fact that neither of your lives will ever be the same again…

IMissCodyStevenOlmsteadrealmenwearpink06@yahoo.com50.124.56.131Submitted on 2012/09/28 at 12:28 am

there was NO ALCOHOL detected on either tox screen from the hospitals the night this happened. How dare you trash talk sandy (codys mom) or joey (especially joey) joey has to live with the fact that even though he tried that night, he couldnt save morgan. its not his fault she died. yeah cody ran the stop sign but he wasnt drunk, cody was oneof the sweetest people you couldve met, he never would have intentionally hurt someone all he ever wanted to do was have fun and make people laugh, he didnt wake up that morning thinking “hmm, im gonna go out tonight, run a stop sign, kill myself and someone else.” he wasnt like that this was an ACCIDENT and codys mom does know what youre going through deb, she also buried her baby. im sorry you lost your daughter but im so very pissed that you feel the need to lash out at sandy a person who you dont know and say shes a bad mother which she very much is not! and lashing out at the person who tried so hard to save your daughter is jacked up! nothing you do is going to change the fact that morgan and cody are both gone, nothing is going to make it right and its never going to stop hurting im sure, youre just going to have to find a way to live with it and go on. also that comment was posted on “frustration” because that is the one i sent her the link to.

 For once and All here is your proof you have all been begging for:

These are the Toxicology  reports from the accident. So no one can accuse me of being unfair I posted Morgans as well. Now keep in mind that this level was taken after a warrant was obtained to take an alcohol sample from Cody. We all know that warrants take some time to obtain.

So for kicks lets just pretend it took 2.5 hrs to obtain a sample  due to the fact a warrant had to be gotten. Here is a link that explains how the alcohol level drops in the blood please feel free to reference this:

Alcohol is removed from the bloodstream by the liver at a relatively constant rate of 15 mg% (.015%) every hour or 1 drink per hour.

A person with a blood alcohol concentration of .08% takes more than 5 hours to become completely sober. http://chavesdwiprogram.us/pdf/Effects%20of%20Alcohol%20Intoxication.pdf

so if the lets pretend game was accurate than the level would have been closer to 0.11 but it doesn’t say that so we won’t pretend that this is just an educated  theory. But we do know for a fact after reading this report that it was 0.08 for Cody. I also have the toxicology reports for the marijuana in Cody’s system, but i will spare everyone from that unless you would also like to view it. Like I have said before this is all public record!

I would truly prefer to stop now with this as it makes me physically and emotionally ill to re-read how my daughter was burnt beyond recognition!  But hey kids will be kids, just out having a good time!!!!  I know there are still some non-believers out there who cannot quite get enough of this horrific event, so as not to disappoint anyone,  I will also add on a bit of that actual police report as well (AGAIN PUBLIC RECORD)!