Wow, I cannot believe I stopped blogging, or even understand why i did?…..Looking back and reading some of my raw, honest, and sometimes verbally violent post, I realize they were so therapeutic and for the most part, productive for my needs at the time. Importantly it also gave me an outlet with little judgement. when writing, i don’t owe anyone anything. I hope my writings will have some positive outreach for others than just me, maybe to touch someone, or educate them, or to simply validate the feelings of those, that may be fighting the same evil game. Although at the end of the day, i only owe myself the luxury of purporting my life, all be it a life that seems to be a fallacy.
I am not sure who this will reach as it has been almost three years since i have done this, but it is definitely time to reflect. It has been five years 8 months since life as i know it was changed and it has been 2 years 8 months since i have wrote about it…I cannot even begin to compute that time has passed by so fast and yet most days i still feel like it is November 16, 2011 or the end of my life as i once knew it. I still find myself so lost, lonely, and isolated, and yet it seems to be by choice, because i feel as if my new normal does not fit into mainstream. I have come to understand that I literally have shut down and only challenge myself for short periods of time and than seem to bottom out…. I have bounced from several jobs as well as houses since my last entry, i suppose in search of some sort of purpose or hopes of a miracle cure. Although, i suspect the odds of a miracle cure are probably about the same odds as your child being killed at 16, ironic, huh?
So now, i am not considered newly bereaved by societies standards, whatever still feels new to me. Time seems to have stopped for me and resulted in a constant quest to survive to find some sort of magical thing to make me feel like me again. while trying to accomplish this, i seem to hurt more people because of my pain. I have lost the ability to open my heart to many and keep most at arms length because it is easier than dealing with my not so always buoyant moods. I find people want to fix me when i can’t fix myself, they want to genuinely bring back the old me, when in truth that person died with Morgan.
Although, i can say, i have experienced some joy i mean actual joy without guilt, that in itself is huge. Even with the draw bridge up and the moat dug deeply in my protective haven, i have found solace in new friends who have become like family, somehow who have found a way over the walls and made me feel safe and loved and genuinely embrace the new fucked up version of me, and for that i am thankful. I have learned to do what i want when i want, (well when i can) to find some assuagement, like backpacking across Spain. I have learned I am only capable of living a day at a time and not allowing expectations for that day, just to be in the moment, good or bad. I have learned that friends and family that are in it for the long haul with me are gold and a blessing.
But my reality is, I just miss Morgan so much, i truly think more in so many different ways. Hard to explain but the initial pain of the loss and the reality of the loss are two different animals. I am still bitter and angry that not only did my baby girl die, which stole her future, it also stole so much of mine. All the things a mother wishes for not only for her child/children but to share with, is gone. Her friends have all graduated high school, she never got to. A lot of them went to college, again she did not. Her friends are now graduating college, getting married, starting their lives. Morgan remains forever Sweet 16, and I remain stalled in time, trying to figure out how to live a life without my best friend, my daughter and all our future dreams. I still can’t handle going to baby showers, or wedding, hell even graduation parties, because it hurts too damn much. I am happy for those celebrating but so pissed that i will never get those pleasures…
So, although 5 years 8 months has gone by, i still find that everyday is a new challenge which seem to be ever changing. Time does not change or lessen the pain, as some would like to tell you, on the contrary it only changes the struggle, giving a different kind of pain. Losing a child is by far the most cruel thing a parent will go through and I now see will be a lifetime pain that has left so much void in my heart and life.
I hope to get back to blogging more often with hopes of continuing in trying to be an anchor that refuses to sink, although it seems like i spend most my time treading water. To my club members of the club nobody wants to belong to, I will not lie, this new normal life we are forced to live, is the hardest road any parent can ever travel. Keep treading